You turfed your abuser. Now what?

Healing will take time and patience. Assessing what went wrong in your abusive relationship can consume you. Don’t do it. Shit happens. We make mistakes and end up with the wrong person.

Changing locations, getting a new job and moving on works. Not immediately, but it does according to many women who have, unfortunately, been in your shoes.

A friend had this experience and did just that; moved, new job etc. but she found she was making the same mistakes, being drawn to losers…again. A female friend suggested she engage in some of the same activities listed below. She gave up on trying and found what she was seeking playing volleyball at the park on a Sunday with girlfriends.

Huffington Post Canada writer Kelsey Borresen discusses one woman’s journey to find that right person.

“Between the spring of 2014 and the spring of 2015, Holly Martyn ― who divides her time between New York and California ― went on dates with men she met online, in the course of daily life, or in setups by friends or acquaintances.”

1. Yes, your couch is comfy, but you can’t meet anyone if you never leave the house.
“Live your life, follow your interests, passions, hobbies, travel with friends or go solo, do all of the things you love, whether you have a partner or not,” she said. “Chances are you’ll meet a like-minded person along the way as you’re doing your thing.”

2. Finding love makes all the hassle and heartbreak worth it.
“Keep your heart open, even though, inevitably, you may have some scar tissue,” she said. “That just means you’re living and loving right. Don’t give up, don’t settle.”

3. Once a week, sit at a bar or eat at a restaurant by yourself.
“A lone person is less intimidating and people are more likely to engage with you,” she said. “Get off your phone. Look up, make eye contact, have conversations, engage with other humans. You’ll be happier, feel more connected to your community and you’ll bring new people into your life, romantic or otherwise.”

4. It’s a numbers game.
“My experience taught me that indeed, in 100 dates or less, you will meet someone remarkable,” she said.

5. Online dating isn’t as hopeless as it seems.
“This might be especially intimidating if you’re newly divorced and coming back into dating after being off-the-market for eons, but give it a shot,” Martyn said. “I’ve had some fantastic dates and made enduring friendships with people I’ve met online.”

6. Let people know you’re on the market.
“Don’t be shy about mentioning to friends, family, anyone who will listen that you’re single and open to blind dates and set-ups,” she said. “And return the favor for others, too. It’s all one good virtuous circle to bring good people together. Karma.”

7. Be patient and embrace the adventure.
“No, it’s not going to always be easy on the dating front, but what’s the alternative? You want to die sexless and alone? I’m only half-joking,” Martyn said.

“Of course you have to try and you need to keep a sense of humor. And there’s only so much of this you can control. What you can control: whether or not you continue to put yourself out there or not. There are wonderful people in this world, just as you are. Believe.”

Read the full story here from Huffington Post Canada

About lazeejjs

Jonathan McCormick holds a Black Belt in Combat Martial Arts. He is a U.S Marine (Inactive), trained with famed CIA operative Rex Applegate and Ultimate Fighter Champion Royce Gracie and was the director of the Institute of Defense Tactics. He is a former member of the American Society of Law Enforcement Trainers and worked with members of various law enforcement agencies in the areas of suspect control and officer safety. He has written for law enforcement magazines BlueLine ( and Twenty-Four-Seven and has been a guest writer for the Vancouver Province. “Wyoming Secrets”, “30,000 Secrets”, “Santa Barbara Secrets” and The “J” Team Series are inspirational novels which focus on women who feel overwhelmed by the threat of violence in their lives. View the Series
This entry was posted in Assault survivors, Female role models, Moving on and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to You turfed your abuser. Now what?

  1. Great advice. A woman must feel elated and excited about her new life post abuse and these suggestions can go a long way to help.

    Kudos to Huffington Post

  2. I can not relate. Not because abusers haven’t tried, it is just that they failed and I moved on without breaking a sweat.

    The first time was in junior high when a boy grabbed my butt and I knocked him out.

    Thank you to Huffington Post for these suggestions. They will help many women begin their new lives.

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