“After leaving an abusive relationship would you tell his new partner of his abusive character?
The problem is always whether she will believe you. We have all heard comments by the “Other Woman” putting down the former female saying he is such a wonderful guy, it had to be all her fault.
Even If You Tell, Will They Believe You?
After escaping abuse, many survivors may find themselves questioning what obligation they have, if any, to warn potential future partners of the ex they just left. Survivors may feel guilty if they never reported or pressed charges for the abuse, for not leaving a trail of red flag breadcrumbs for new partners to see.
But even if a survivor does try to warn a new partner, they may not be met with gratitude.”
“As much as I would like to be able to warn other women, many abusers are gaslighters. They invalidate anything we might say by telling new girlfriends that their ex is a crazed stalker,” says survivor Amy*, who shared the heartbreaking story with us in April of giving up her son in order to keep him safe from an abuser. “
“Plus, she says, echoing Amy’s sentiments, “No one who is falling in love with an abuser believes what the ex has to say. Just like I wouldn’t have believed one of his exes if they’d come to me.”
Every one of my defensive tactics students can attest to the above. Sadly their abusers bad-mouth the survivors around town which leads the women to move.
Warning Puts a Target on the Survivor’s Back
“Advocates caution that survivors who sound a warning bell also risk facing retribution from a vindictive abuser.”
This is always a potential problem. Do you put safety and possibly that of your children to warn the next woman? Vindictive abusers often take out their revenge on children.
What about having a friend tell the next woman?
Our appreciation to Domestic Shelters for this valuable information. We encourage all readers to share. https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/after-abuse/the-next-in-line-for-abuse