New Year’s Resolutions!

New Year’s Resolutions.

Few of us make them and fewer follow through with what they chose to make a difference in their life.
Here is an idea, one I never thought of before.

Don’t open the video until you have made a decision.

Once you view the video, please share your thoughts about which person you would accommodate.

“You are driving on a stormy night and pass a bus stop where three people wait.

One is an old friend who once saved your life.

Another is the woman of your dreams.

The third is an elderly woman obviously in medical distress.

You have room for one person in your vehicle, which person would you choose?

The query is similar to the crowded boat and similar questions often offered during an employment interview.

I was asked a moral question by Ralph’s Grocery Stores when I interviewed as a 17 year old candidate.

Once you view the video, please share your thoughts below. You may use a pseudonym if you like and an email address is not required.

https://www.facebook.com/100002059008768/videos/3514435711968361/

Posted in Moral Decisions | Tagged , , , | Leave a comment

Acknowledgements 2020


“Barkley Sound Secrets” debuted in February, 2020 with the help of tremendous number of contributors. My sincere appreciation for their assistance and willingness to assist in eliminating violence against women and children.

Barkley Sound Secrets is dedicated to First Responders for their compassion toward sexual and domestic assault survivors and their expertise and professionalism in providing the necessary assistance.

It is also dedicated to survivors. May you gain courage, direction and enthusiasm for the next step in your journey. We hope Jessica, Rebecca, Penelope, Elisabeth, Kimberly, Anne-Marie and Elise have inspired and have set an example of who and what you can be.

My sincere appreciation to Elise Laina for the use of her maiden name for Detective Elise Pelfini and her fashion and cuisine guidance.

Thank you Elise also for your hours of editing, assisting with the intricacies of travel times, the scope of each character’s abilities and limitations. Your dedication produced a better novel than I could have done on my own.

My gratitude to Les Wiseman of Royal Roads University for starting me on the journey of the “J” Team and for his support and direction through Wyoming Secrets, 30,000 Secrets, Barkley Sound Secrets and book five, Vancouver Secrets.

To Cst. Roy Davidson, RCMP retired, for his guidance on law enforcement issues, the name Horseman and continual support.

To Cst. Richard Drought, RCMP retired, for assault tactics, firearms choices and for educating me on law enforcement management. May the National Police Federation grow strong supporting Members in these trying and challenging times.

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My appreciation to RCMP Inspector Lorne Wood for the use of his name, who portrays himself and offered support and enthusiasm throughout the process.

To RCMP Cst. Kimberly (last name omitted per her request) for your support of the “J” Team Series and for joining them in Barkley Sound Secrets and in Vancouver Secrets debuting 2021.

To Corporal Anne-Marie Clark of the Combined Forces Enforcement Unit in British Columbia’s Lower Mainland for her support, enthusiasm and the use of her name and for becoming Kimberly’s partner.

To Rick Franqouer and Laura for the use of their names and that of their boat and cocktails and cuisine choices. I sincerely appreciate your enthusiasm, encouragement and support.

Appreciation is also extended to Larry Baird and his Dad Larry Sr. for the use of their names and for Larry critiquing various scenes in which he appears.

Thanks to Dr. Pam Barker for her constant support, encouragement and suggestions on various aspects of the plot.

I am indebted to Kasteen Beltowski RN, for her medical expertise, and support through the character development and writing process.

Jim Seredick assisted with the technical details of the Somas River and Barkley Sound.

Lt. Col. Dave Grossman, U.S. Army (Ret) is honored in each of my novels for his tremendous support and the impact he has had on my life. I had the pleasure of attending the Colonel’s law enforcement seminar, Sheepdogs, the content of which is shared often throughout my novels.

Sukwinder Manhas was my first martial arts instructor who introduced me to competitive Karate in the World Karate Tournament in Tacoma, Washington. My sincere appreciation to Winder for his expertise and leadership, skills he continues to share with his students at Coastal Martial Arts in Port Alberni, British Columbia, coincidentally, the epicenter for “Barkley Sound Secrets”.

My martial arts expertise is credited first to Sensei Manhas and to Tenth Degree Black Belt Bradley Steiner of the American Academy of Self Defense in Seattle and the former Washington State Director of the American Society of Law Enforcement Trainers who provided the instructional atmosphere for me to teach Seattle Police Department officers and King County Sheriff Deputies defensive tactics.

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My appreciation to the countless counsellors with women’s resource centers and support groups in every country where women are assigned an inferior social role and for their assistance in moving women beyond that category, to know there is more to life.

Kelowna, British Columbia’s Chef Marc Stucki added his expertise in cuisine development and plating, creating the numerous opportunities for the characters to socialize and experience new delights. My sincere appreciation Marc. I look forward to the dining excitement you create in Vancouver Secrets.

Thank you Dominic Laina for your kind words of encouragement and the use of your name. I appreciate your folk’s support and hope I have done justice to the Laina name. Appreciation also to Tanner and Sage Beltowski for the use of their names and critiquing several scenes.

Angie Taylor, Curtis Leithead and Paul Manhas, my sincere gratitude for your enthusiasm and willingness to participate by sharing your names and expertise. Angie for educating me on navigating the Sound and Paul for your medical expertise in treating Loblinski Sr.

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My continuing and deepest appreciation to my spouse for her editing skills and patience during the months of writing, ignoring my waking at one am to write having dreamed the scene I needed.

            Although Barkley Sound Secrets doesn’t involve classroom management scenes per se, Secret Service Agent Elisabeth Peltowski’s contribution to the detection, surveillance and apprehension of the cocaine cartel has its background in a junior high classroom where her teaching acumen was honed by Dr. Barrie Bennett, retired education professor at the University of Toronto from whom I took many classes in Cooperative Learning.

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            Jonathanmccormick.com/blog receives many comments and contributions regarding domestic violence and sexual assault supporting the elimination of violence against women.

100% of book sales are donated to various women’s centers and charities supporting women; YWCA Women’s Shelter, Sexual Assault Counselling Centre, Food Bank, National Police Federation Benevolent Foundation (Supporting families of fallen RCMP officers), Animal Assistance Society, BCSPCA and Northern Lights Wildlife Refuge.

            We appreciate all who share their ideas and stories, that working together we can make a difference.

            To Domestic Shelters and Shelter Safe for their continuous support and direction for violence survivors.

Barkley Sound Secrets
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“THE SEXUAL ASSAULTS, THE TEARING MY TOP OPEN AND REACHING IN AND GRASPING MY BREAST.”

Enraged by the RCMP’s inability to provide a safe work environment.

“What I learned led me to conclude that a toxic culture prevails in the RCMP. This culture encourages, or at least tolerates, misogynistic, racist and homophobic attitudes among many members of the RCMP,” wrote Michel ​Bastarache in his final report — “Broken Dreams Broken Lives” — which was released today.

“What the women told the assessors shocked them to their core. This process has forever tarnished the image of the RCMP as a Canadian icon.”

“Might a friend or relative be in danger living with an abuser during these stressful times coping with the coronavirus?”

What if the abuser is your employer? What if your abuser is the Royal Canadian Mounted Police? https://www.jonathanmccormick.com/help-when-it-is-needed/

When your family are your colleagues and the desert you in your time of need, a time of failed management.

Commissioner Brenda Lucki was a trainer at the RCMP Depot for three years. It is difficult to believe she was unaware of this toxic culture and zero changes have been made as she climbed the career ladder. “RCMP Training Academy for three years.”

Brenda Lucki

Commissioner Brenda Lucki

Brenda Lucki

Brenda Lucki was born and raised in Edmonton, Alberta, and joined the RCMP in August 1986. During Commissioner Lucki’s career, she has served in Quebec, Ontario, Manitoba, Alberta, Saskatchewan and at the RCMP Academy (Depot Division), as well as on international peacekeeping missions in the former Yugoslavia.

Her first posting was in Granby, Quebec, where she worked in federal policing, mostly in drugs and customs investigations. In 1993 and 1994, she served on the United Nations Protection Force (UNPROFOR) mission in the former Yugoslavia, overseeing criminal investigations and monitoring the delivery of aid and health services.

In 1995, she was transferred to the RCMP’s peacekeeping program in Ottawa, where she trained and selected peacekeepers for the UN missions in Haiti for a year-and-a-half. Following that role, she advanced through the non-commissioned officer ranks, first as an instructor at the RCMP Training Academy for three years, then returning to operations in Manitoba for four years as a supervisor and Acting Detachment Commander.

In 2003, she was promoted to the rank of Inspector and held the post of Traffic Services Officer for Saskatchewan. She stayed in the province for six years, holding the role of Community and Contract Policing and District Operations Officer.

In 2009, she rose to the rank of Superintendent, and became the District Commander for the Manitoba North District. In 2012, she was transferred and promoted to Chief Superintendent, and became the District Commander of a larger area in northwest Alberta.

In 2016, she was named Commanding Officer of the RCMP Academy, and on March 9, 2018, she was announced as the RCMP’s 24th Commissioner.

Commissioner Lucki completed a Bachelor of Arts in psychology and sociology at the University of Alberta in 1996. She also completed the Advanced Program in Management, Leadership and Strategy at the Asper School of Business at the University of Manitoba in 2012. She is married and has two step-daughters and three grandchildren.

Commissioner Lucki’s career contributions have been recognized through a number of honours and awards, including:

  • Order of Merit of the Police Forces (2013) for her efforts to improve relations with First Nations in northern Manitoba
  • Queen’s Diamond Jubilee (2012)
  • RCMP Long Service medals for 20 years (2006) and 25 years (2011) of service
  • Saskatchewan Centennial Medal (2005)
  • Commander’s Commendation for her work during the 2002 G8 meetings in Alberta (2003)
  • Order of St. John’s Certificate for providing humanitarian assistance at great personal risk in the former Yugoslavia (1994)
  • Peacekeeping medals from the UN (1993 and 1994) and Canada (2000); UN Force Commander’s Commendation for exemplary performance and contributions to the UNPROFOR mission (1993)

Hopefully she will comply with the prime minister’s directive to change the toxic RCMP culture. She is two and a half years into that mandate. Let’s expect the change in five years.

RCMP tolerates ‘misogynistic, racist, and homophobic attitudes:’ former Supreme Court justice.

https://www.cbc.ca/news/politics/rcmp-merlo-davidson-final-report-1.5807022

Posted in Toxic Relationships, Work place safety | Tagged , , , | 2 Comments

Michelle Obama. Inspiration, Motivation and Hope

In her Netflix interview Michelle Obama shares how she used the power of her position as First Lady to facilitate an agenda she hoped would change the lives of children and young adults.

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Here is a preview of that interview, the full length of which is available on Netflix. “Becoming” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zDBb88MOYuQ

Our appreciation to Netflix for the opportunity to share and promote Michelle Obama’s “Becoming”.

The tour is also a promotion for her book, “Becoming” available at Amazon.ca https://www.amazon.ca/Becoming-Michelle-Obama/dp/1524763136/ref=sr_1_1?crid=323H4LO086E6A&dchild=1&keywords=becoming+michelle+obama+book&qid=1604832562&sprefix=becoming%2Caps%2C244&sr=8-1

And

Amazon.comhttps://www.amazon.com/Becoming-Michelle-Obama-audiobook/dp/B07B3JQZCL/ref=sr_1_1?crid=27O1THL1ZE29R&dchild=1&keywords=becoming+michelle+obama&qid=1604832614&sprefix=becoming%2Caps%2C241&sr=8-1

“One of the lessons that I grew up with was to always stay true to yourself and never let what somebody else says distract you from your goals. And so when I hear about negative and false attacks, I really don’t invest any energy in them, because I know who I am.”

Michelle Obama

Michelle Obama makes her point to teens and all of us, regardless of age, to get an education. Discover what you love to do, what you are good at, then obtain the skills to make that your life’s joy.

“You have to stay in school. You have to. You have to go to college. You have to get your degree. Because that’s the one thing people can’t take away from you is your education. And it is worth the investment.”

woman holding book

Here are other women you can emulate. Women who share their stories, motivate and provide hope.

Click on the link above for the complete text
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HELPING WITH BACK TO SCHOOL ANXIETIES

Children vary in their general level of anxiety and in how well they cope with changes. With the impact of COVID-19 on the start of the school year, many children are experiencing higher levels of worry and distress.
This information sheet presents some strategies to help you identify your child’s level of anxiety, and support their mental health as they prepare to return to school in person. (For strategies to support you as a parent at this stressful time, see the information sheet “Back to school during COVID-19: Tips for parents’ well-being.”) Our thanks to Canadian Mental Health

https://www.camh.ca/-/media/files/camh_covid19_infosheet-backtoschool-children-anxiety-pdf.pdf?la=en&hash=CEAAFD1D652EA833C95CD73BB9CEEF9494F7A324&s_src=donoremail+covid&s_subsrc=28=&utm_campaign=breaking&utm_medium=email&utm_source=donoremail+covid&utm_content=28

These suggestions may help him cope.
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VIOLENT MEN WON’T CHANGE

34:00

Complaining about the violent nature of some men will not effect a change.

Attempting to change a man of this ilk is wasting your time and endangering your life.

Yes, you have the right to come and go wherever you want in a free society.

Theoretically.

That is not the real world.

Socializing in pick-up bars where many of these manipulative men congregate is walking into their trap.

Please take 40 minutes to view this Chicago PD video for which we paid the fee, with particular attention to 33:00 where Burgess beats the offender.

That is the only thing these men understand. They must learn that if they touch, you will take them down.

Our appreciation to NBC Universal and Dick Wolf for this video

THAT is all these assailants understand. Even with a beating they will not change but seek out another victim…once released from the hospital…if they are lucky to survive.

Our appreciation to Impact for this video

These women are no different than any other female except they have a mind-set that NO ONE will harm them or take advantage.

The Mind-Set is the hardest part. Acquiring the skills to interface with Mind-Set is challenging, exciting and fun.

Posted in overcoming it and finding courage, Personal Safety, Self Defense, Women's self-defense | Tagged , , , , | 3 Comments

Closed doors opens others!

“As I look back on my life, I realize that every time I thought I was being rejected from something good, I was actually being redirected to something better.” – Steve Maraboli

“Do you have epic fails in your life that have defined you? Sadly, you will continue to err–as you are human. While you may want to beat yourself up and scream at mistakes, your disappointments provide you the chance for one of the greatest lessons.
 
Failure is all around you. From raising children to working a job, you make mistakes every day. A young toddler even fails at things too. How many times have you told your infant not to touch the stove?
 
It wasn’t until they touch the stove and feel the scorching pain that they realize they’ve made a horrible error. However, the burn will go away, but the pain they experienced will teach them a lesson.
 
Your life is remarkably like that of a toddler. You’re going through life learning as you go. Did you know that the fear of failure can often be more traumatizing than the epic fails that you experience in life?
 
It’s natural to want to avoid things that cause you pain to develop anxiety and panic. The child who touched the hot stove might be so scared of getting burnt again that they won’t come within five feet of the cooker. It’s unrealistic to avoid a stove for the rest of the child’s life, and you can’t avoid living for fear of falling or getting hurt.”
Our thanks to The Power of Positivity
http://r.email-powerofpositivity.com/mk/mr/oQu6MBKL1ad_FOFhqEBEZiPPEATGt5TeWvbrzQRCZBF_lP-tIRrQ8MoDqruLh8s8WZv_J9YMKrFD1VhgN0A8bGN4BxXIJmOCSZxvxIhQahKVFzMuiaO8nQ


1. HUMILITY 🙏
The epic fails you experience in life will teach you humility. Once you’ve had your ego shattered a time or two, you look for new paths and develop a greater understanding.
You will learn to right the wrong that caused you to fail, and you can go on to fulfill your dreams. There is nothing more sobering than falling a few times to make you humble.
 
2. EMPATHY ❤️
Many people have sympathy because they feel sorry for others. However, once you’ve been to rock bottom, you learn how to empathize. You can relate to others on a deeper level when you’ve been in those dark places. You will have compassion for others, and it changes your perceptions of things.
 
3. RESOURCEFULNESS 📝
If everything is handed to you on a silver platter, you do not need to be resourceful. However, once your finances have tanked and you’ve been on skid row, you realize how important it is to find new resources. Desperation can lead to inspiration, and you will learn new methods to make things happen.
 
4. BETTER COPING SKILLS 🧘
When you’re younger, you may use alcohol as a coping method for stress. However, as you age, you learn that you must be mentally and spiritually sound for your family and career. When the emotions roll in like the ocean’s tide, you find better ways to deal with them.
 
You may have turned to prescription medications or alcohol in the past, you now have learned to meditate or journal to get rid of all the angst you feel.
 
5. DEVELOP A NEW PERSPECTIVE 💭
Through your epic fails and disappointments in life, you learn how to put happiness into perspective. Being happy is a state of being and not a destination. You discover how to view things in proportion, and you understand that you can only embrace the moment.
 
6. GRASP TIME MANAGEMENT 🕰️
Everyone gets 24 hours a day and seven days a week. No matter who you’re or how much money you have, time is life’s biggest equalizer. When you have a few failures, you learn how to manage your time.
 
If you don’t learn to manage time, then it will control you. If you want efficiency and to improve your result, then you know strategies to help you manage your time more effectively.
 
7. BETTER PLANNING SKILLS 📓
Establishing a concrete action plan to accomplish your goals is crucial to success. Failures teach you to become a better planner. You need to refine your approach and not alter your goals. By adjusting past methods and techniques, you learn how to make your dreams possible.
 
8. DISCOVER NEW MEANING 🤔
Life’s disappointments push you to uncover new meaning. You’re compelled to ponder your motives for wanting things. Either it’s important enough for you to move forward, or it’s not that significant, and you quit and give up. You’ll look at everything quite differently after epic fails than you did before.
 
9. GRATITUDE 😊
Sometimes the pursuit of happiness and financial gain makes you lose sight of what matters. Ask a homeless person that lives on the street how wonderful it was to have a house and a comfy bed to sleep in. Hitting rock bottom forges you to be thankful for what you have in life.
 
10. FINANCIAL RESPONSIBILITY 💸
Once you’ve been through bankruptcy court or been on the brink of financial ruin, you have a whole new meaning for managing your finances. You soon learn that those $5 gourmet coffees on the way to work are an extravagance that you don’t need. Your epic fails in life teaches you how to be responsible with your money.
 
11. EMBRACE YOUR FAITH 🕯️
Everyone has different faiths and beliefs, which is your right in this country. However, one thing that you will learn is how to call on your higher power in times of adversity. Whether you are Christian, Muslim, or atheist, everyone has something that they can call on for strength and help.
 
12. YOUR “REAL” FRIENDS 🤝
It’s easy to have a lot of friends when everything is going grand. However, it’s the ones that stick with you when you have no money, have lost everything, and have no status to offer them that count. You will discover who is your true friend when you walk through the darkest times, and they still stand beside you.
 
13. EXAMINE YOUR HEART 💚
Once you fail, you have no choice but to look inside to see what might have caused you to have these disappointments. Analyzing the inside can help you move past the things that held you back, and you can succeed in the future.
 
14. MONEY AND PRESTIGE ISN’T EVERYTHING 💑
How many times have you seen a movie or TV stars focus so much of their attention on their careers and the pursuit of money that they neglected their family? Having money in the bank and a few luxuries are understandable, but some people will trade everything for fame and fortune. If you lose your family but have a bank full of money, is it worth it?
 
15. CHANGE HABITS 🧭
A recent study found that 45 percent of your daily behaviors are forged from habits. If you have bad habits that could be holding you back, it’s time to evaluate them and learn methods to conquer those tendencies. Additionally, when you add new, better habits to the mix, you can achieve anything you set your mind to do.
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“Britain revokes America’s Declaration of Independence.” Political Satire

by Michael Yon (My additions noted * and edited for space. Thank you Michael for the editorial license.)

A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up ‘revocation’ in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, Boris Johnson, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘colour,’ ‘favour,’ ‘labour’ and ‘neighbour.’

2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ”like’ and ‘you know’ is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter ‘u” and the elimination of ‘-ize.’

3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

3 (A) Hot dogs will no longer be a national “cuisine” as they are disgusting and made from offal. Fish and Chips are now the iconic American cuisine.*

fish and chips with tartar sauce

fish and chips with tartar sauce

4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can’t sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you’re not ready to shoot grouse.
Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

4 (A) Your Waco, Texas incident of those nasty Biker boys shooting each other is a case in point.*

automatic

5. You will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.

6. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

7 (A) As a codocile I am adding British Columbia’s fine Okanagan wines to the acceptable choice.

And I am not referring to Plonk (red wine of poor quality) but quality wine fit for British consumption.*

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iphone photos 5-6-2012 185

8. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

9. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

Posted in Political humor/satire | Tagged , , , , | 1 Comment

LISTEN/SPEAK/LEARN

Sometimes a relationship is derailed long before the crash. Here are ten suggestions to keep communicating during difficult and good times. Thanks to The Power of Positivity for this valuable information.

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10 WAYS TO BE A MORE SUPPORTIVE PARTNER DURING CHALLENGING TIMES

supportiveLifestyle

“Wouldn’t it be lovely if relationships were all wine, roses, and moonlight, just because you’re in love? Unfortunately, you don’t live in a utopia, and relationships are as much about the valleys as they are the mountain tops. You will find that when you’re down and out is when you can use effective tools to build a stronger partnership.

Instead of thinking, you have a problem, or your partner does, realize that you’re in it together. You can’t be happy if you see your man depressed and downtrodden. Supportive partners can identify problems and find ways to either resolve or cope with them efficiently.”

In many failed relationships, ex-partners sometimes felt that their person wasn’t sympathetic. To support someone doesn’t mean you offer vain flattery. Instead, you surround each other with love and work on solutions to your problems together.

10 TIPS FOR BEING MORE SUPPORTIVE

No matter the dilemma, your presence will be most welcome to him. It’s reassuring for your mate to have you beside him, even when you are silent and are just holding his hand. Here are ten helpful ways to be encouraging of your lover when she’s going through challenging times.

1. PRACTICE ACTIVE LISTENING

If your auditory system is working properly, you can hear what your partner says, but that doesn’t mean you are listening. Many times, when your lover is experiencing a dark place on the road of life, she needs you to listen to him and be fully present. She’s looking to you to understand and hear what she has to say.

As a loving mate, practice active listening skills, and you will see a marked difference in your relationship’s communication. Open yourself up with neutral body language and look at him while he’s talking. Listen, not just hear his words without interrupting or thinking about what you want to say.

Also, learn how to mirror his emotions during the conversation and pause a few seconds before responding. It’s often helpful to repeat what you’ve just heard in your own words, only if he needs to clarify anything for you. Instead of offering advice, listen with your heart, and be there for him.

supportive


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2. BE EMPATHETIC

Although some scientific studies theorize that some animals show signs of primitive empathy, it’s more of a human trait. To empathize with your partner doesn’t mean that you are feeling sorry for him. Empathy goes beyond sympathy and allows you to put yourself in your lover’s shoes.

You can read a tragic news story and automatically feel for the people involved because you might imagine how you would feel. Consequently, this is necessary cognitive empathy that can influence you even for total strangers. To be emotional and compassionately empathetic, your partner’s emotions resonate with yours, and you reach out to do something about it.

3. HAVE A CHANGE OF PACE

When your mind is stressed, or your emotions are frazzled, it can make you anxious or depressed. Have you noticed this about your partner? You wish you could make the burden disappear, but that’s not happening.

Often, a diversion is what people need to take their minds off their problems for a while. It won’t provide a magic solution, but it can give your partner some mental rest. Do something spontaneous and have some fun together. A rested mind is more apt to figure out problems more efficiently.

4. ACCEPT THE UNCHANGEABLE

Whoever penned the iconic Serenity Prayer had an insight that was beyond this world. A sign of spiritual maturity is to realize that some issues can’t be changed and are beyond your control. Maybe your partner needs a gentle reminder that her circumstances are unavoidable.

The legendary poet Dr. Maya Angelo declared that although there are things in your life that you can’t change, you still have the power to decide how you will react to them. As a supportive mate, you can help your lover sort through situations that can be changed and require coping skills.

5. ANTICIPATE YOUR PARTNER’S NEEDS

Do you and your partner often finish each other’s sentences or come up with the same ideas? Such is the case for couples who have been together for a long time. You have listened and empathized with each other for so long that you almost have a psychic bond.

If you see your beau struggling with acute or chronic issues in his life, don’t wait for him to ask you for help. Because of society’s unfair definitions and expectations, most guys view asking their mate for help as being weak. You know your man better than anyone, and your heart knows when he’s hurting before he can say a word.

6. STAY ON THE SAME PAGE

The traditional homily of a partnership making two people one flesh is often misunderstood. While you empathize and feel part of each other in a committed relationship, you’ve not lost your individuality. Still, you must be supportive and work together for a union to flourish.

When your partner is coping with difficult issues, maybe at work or other challenges, be a united front. Try to find solutions together, and she will feel your supportive love. Listen intently and ask questions, so there are no misunderstandings.

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7. BE AN ENCOURAGEMENT

When your man is beaten down to the ground, you may be the only person who can lift his spirits. As committed partners, you should be each other’s biggest fan and cheerleader. Sincere encouragement can go a long way when your lover feels like he’s a loser, and everything is his fault.

Find helpful ways to offer words of praise and encouragement that are genuine and specific. Remind him of his vast talents and past achievements, and how you’ve overcome obstacles victoriously in the past. It may rev up his spirits enough to realize that nothing is forever, even problems.

8. CHOOSE YOUR BATTLES

One of the most natural emotions to display is anger, especially for guys. In reality, anger is a formidable mask to cover fear and powerlessness. It’s not easy to be supportive when your person is taking his anger and frustration out on you.

In these cases, you can take so much until you feel like snapping. Although it’s easier said than done, try to step back and be an objective observer. When people are hurting, they usually lash out at the ones they love who are trying to help.

If your lady doesn’t feel like talking, just let her know you’ll be there to listen when she’s ready. Please resist the urge to be an armchair counselor and try to pull the issues out of her. She will probably end up feeling resentful of you, and she will shut down any conversation in the future.

When you are your lover’s safe place, she feels free and safe to display anger and say what’s on her mind. However, that doesn’t give anyone the right to abuse you verbally or physically. If your man is feeling grumpy about everything you say or do, refuse to be taken into his dark mood.

You’ll probably find that something is on his mind, and he will apologize for taking it out on you.

9. FIND A SOURCE OF STRENGTH TOGETHER

As humans, you and your person are triune beings composed of body, mind, and spirit. These work in tandem for your total well-being. If any aspect is askew, your entire being will be affected. Being supportive doesn’t mean you have all the answers or strength.

When your mate is going through a hard time, learn to draw from your spiritual strength. Look to your Higher Power together as you both perceive it. Whether your religious traditions involve prayer, meditation, or other spiritual connections, empowering your spirit can help each other when life’s storms are overwhelming.

10. KNOW WHEN TO ASK FOR HELP

Even with your best efforts to be supportive, some problems are too much for you two to handle. If this is the case, don’t be afraid to ask for help from a mental health professional. There is no shame in seeking counseling when you need it.

Many people seek counseling from their trusted spiritual leader. You can always feel free to talk to your primary healthcare provider to refer you to a licensed therapist. Perhaps the problem is a mental health issue that has yet to be diagnosed.

Be sure that your partner is a willing participant, and you see counseling as a strength, not a weakness. She may choose to go alone or ask you to join for moral support. Choose an experienced counselor who makes her feel comfortable, so she can freely discuss the issues that are happening in her life.

supportive
SAVEFINAL THOUGHTS ON SHOWING YOUR SUPPORTIVE SIDE WHEN YOUR PARTNER NEEDS YOU TO BE STRONG

When a couple is in a loving relationship, they are empathetic, even in the worst of times. In these trying situations, be the first hand that reaches out to him or her in a nonjudgmental way to form a stronger partnership. A time may come when you’ll reach out to him or her in your hour of need, and they will be there.

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YOU’VE GOT TO BE TAUGHT

Children learn from an early age to differentiate and to hate.

Those seeking social equality have been seeking a solution to this for decades, long before Martin Luther King Jr.

He made us look at who we had become as a society and we made changes.

Why is that slipping away?

It doesn’t have to.

We can take control. Stop the social implosion.

YOU can make a difference.


“Let us not seek…justice…by drinking from the cup of bitterness and hatred. We must forever conduct our struggle on the high plane of dignity and discipline. We must not allow our creative protest to degenerate into physical violence. Again and again we must rise to the majestic heights of meeting physical force with soul force.” Martin Luther King Jr. 1963

https://www.facebook.com/PrinceEa/videos/10159006707099769

Racism is not one of the five.

“I am not Black”

https://www.facebook.com/watch/?v=10159006707099769&extid=lHdriCVRBiCpivqX

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Attitude and Mind Set

“I’ve never met a situation where I don’t have a choice in the matter”

Attitude and Mind Set.

Elizabeth McCord responding to a comment that she doesn’t have a choice.

Thanks to CBS for the video clip

We always have a choice and we decide whether we want to please parents, teachers, partners, colleagues…or ourselves.

Too often we choose one or more of the former and seldom the latter.

Doing so is how we find ourselves with an emotional overload.

McCord is hired as Secretary of State for her experience as a CIA operative, PhD and her position as being apolitical. Russel attempts to silence her. Elizabeth goes around him and is successful.

In an epilogue, Russel says, “You best learn now that I make a better friend than foe.” McCord replies, “Back at you Russel.”

Strong women.

“Strong women are special people who make big changes in this world. They have a vision and don’t stop until their dreams become reality. To them, life is too short to shrink down into a lesser version of themselves. They rise up and meet themselves so they can become the person they were meant to be. A strong woman will shake this world to its core and make a permanent imprint on the universe.”

Read the traits of a strong women.

SHE RESPECTS HERSELF AND OTHERS.

SHE’S INDEPENDENT.

SHE KNOWS HOW TO CONTROL HER EMOTIONS.

A STRONG WOMAN TAKES RISKS.

SHE TRIES TO REMAIN POSITIVE.


FINAL THOUGHTS ON SIGNS OF A STRONG WOMAN

Strong women are special people who make big changes in this world. They have a vision and don’t stop until their dreams become reality. To them, life is too short to shrink down into a lesser version of themselves. They rise up and meet themselves so they can become the person they were meant to be. A strong woman will shake this world to its core and make a permanent imprint on the universe.

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THE CANIS PROJECT

A medical mystery written by a retired female veterinarian.

NO ONE IS SAFE

“The next bioterrorism threat is not making the news. It is coming silently, irreversibly, from a place no one is watching. Montana veterinarian Jacklin Steele has stumbled on a problem with more questions than answers. All over the country, young dogs are dying-of old age. Jack discovers the dogs are not dying from disease. They are dying by design. Before long, people around her begin to perish under questionable circumstances. Jack soon realizes danger is closing in as she approaches the truth. But Jack has a secret of her own. One that haunts her and has devastated her family. Seeking the truth could cost Jack her life. Looking the other way could cost everything. Dr. Jack Steele is on a collision course with The Canis Project.”

“Write about what you know”. Royal Roads University’s Les Wiseman

And D.T. did with perfection. The plot develops around DNA being altered by unscrupulous researchers for their nefarious objectives.

Dr. Jack discovers progeria in young dogs. Her research reveals the condition is widespread across the country.

Rylie’s veterinarian experience and scientific knowledge is woven discreetly into Dr. Jack’s efforts to discover the dogs’ premature deaths. Jacklin’s tenacity leads her on a dangerous journey as she closes in on the Canis Project.

“D. T. Rylie is a retired veterinarian. Born and raised in Alaska, she attended the University of Alaska. After a stint on Kodiak Island, the author headed south for veterinary school in Washington State. Following graduation, she trekked steadily northward via Idaho and Montana, eventually living off-grid in rural British Columbia.

As a youth, D.T. Rylie spent summers as a horse wrangler and worked her way through college as a zookeeper. She taught high school biology and English and worked in the mental health field prior to enrolling in veterinary school. During vet school, she learned to fly small planes and worked with assistance dogs and therapy horses.

She has been a dog trainer, a sled dog musher and a raptor rehabilitator. She worked as a volunteer veterinarian after Hurricane Katrina and performed surgeries at free clinics in Baja, Mexico. She has served as a trail vet on sled dog races in several US states and in Canada.”

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Angry people. How to respond.

“You are a real bitch, you know that?”

“Thank you.”

Gloria Steinem’s reply if and when you are called a bitch.

“Gloria a Life” on PBS.

During Q n A a young woman said, “I’ve been told from a very young age that I am too strong, too assertive, too direct. You have to soften your approach and not be a bitch all the time.”

Ms. Steinem offered her advice and the young woman replied, “The next time I’m called a bitch. I will say, Thank You,” with a huge smile and a round of applause from the primarily female audience.

 
The Power of Positivity offers the following:
When you’re dealing with mean people, it is important to stay positive. Whether it’s a stranger, a co-worker, spouse, or any other person in your life, knowing what to say is important. You don’t want to be rude in return, as it could only make the situation worse. Plus, it could irreparably damage a relationship that is important to you. It’s important that you don’t let people be mean to you, though, no matter who they are. By speaking up and coming back with a quick response, you’ll let them know that the behavior isn’t acceptable. If you have a person in your life who tends to be rude at certain times, remember these comebacks to use next time. These comebacks could stop their behavior on the spot, and they could help them be nicer in the future, too.

1. I’M SURE YOU DIDN’T INTEND TO SOUND SO RUDE, BUT THAT’S HOW IT’S COMING ACROSS TO ME.
Disagreeable people sometimes don’t realize they are being rude. When it comes naturally to them, it may be useful to point it out. Then, they will likely think about how they are speaking to you or what they are saying. This way, they know how they are making you feel. Plus, they’ll know that you are trying to still be nice and positively interact with them. 

2. I CAN SEE THAT YOU’RE HAVING A BAD DAY.
If you say this, they’ll start thinking about why you think they are having a bad day. They’ll realize that the way they are speaking is giving you a bad vibe. Sometimes a simple comment like this is the perfect comeback. The person you say it to may start speaking more nicely when it is pointed out to them. Another way this comeback could work is that it could make the person believe that you said it because you are worried. This could soften their personality a little when they are communicating with you.

3. WHAT IS YOUR MOTIVE FOR ASKING THAT? Sometimes people ask rude questions just to make you uncomfortable. They may want to embarrass you in front of others or they just want to hurt your feelings. When you are in this position, ask the person what their motive is. By turning it around and asking them this question, you’ll likely get your point across. They’ll know that you are not interested in discussing it. Plus, if others can hear the conversation, it could shame the person who asked. Even rude people don’t want to be called out in front of others. 

4. I’LL CONSIDER WHAT YOU SAID, BUT I’D LIKE TO END THIS CONVERSATION NOW.
Even if you don’t agree with what was said, saying that you will consider it should normally do the trick. This way, the unfriendly person understands that you don’t want to talk about it and will hopefully stop. Then, you can forget it ever happened or you can take some time to consider it later. Keep in mind that most rude people say things that aren’t true and have a goal to hurt you. If you choose to consider what they said, don’t take it too literally. If you find that there was some truth to what was said, you can make a change. On the other hand, if there wasn’t any truth in it, just move on and forget it. Then, the next time that person brings it up again you can answer honestly. You would simply tell them that you considered it already and you don’t want to talk about it again. 

5. I’M FINISHED WITH THIS CONVERSATION.
Sometimes, you just have to be blunt. If you’ve tried reasoning with the person and tried other comebacks, it may be best to end the conversation. It isn’t as rude as ignoring them, but you’re letting them know that you aren’t going to be talking anymore. There is no use in arguing or going back and forth, so end the conversation and move on. 
6. HAVE A GREAT DAY!
This is another way of ending the conversation. As you’re ending the conversation or walking away from them, a positive statement is the way to go. They can’t be angry at you for telling them to have a nice day. Plus, you’ll be able to walk away as a better person. 
7. THANK YOU.
If someone makes a rude comment about you, just thank them. While you aren’t appreciative of their rudeness, it’ll let them know that you heard them. When you don’t react in the negative way that they were likely hoping for, they’ll be disappointed. Most people won’t keep trying to get under your skin if they see that it isn’t working. So, when you give this simple reaction, they may let the conversation go. 
8. I’M TRYING TO EMPATHIZE WITH YOU, BUT YOU’RE MAKING THAT DIFFICULT.
When someone is spiteful, it could be because something difficult is going on in their life. For this reason, reminding yourself that they could be having a bad day may help. If they cross a line, however, it’s important to speak up and let them know. Let them know that you are trying to be understanding, but that you are struggling with their rudeness.
Read the rest of the suggestions.
https://www.powerofpositivity.com/mean-people-comebacks/
Thank you Power of Positivity
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Taking a Bite Out of Crime

Crime prevention begins with you, me and the community.

Do you ever ask yourself why you don’t have the power to make decisions which could change your life? Often the solution is viewing a Hollywood adaptation of an extreme case of convictions. Watch these seniors’ reaction to an attempted robbery.

Don’t scoff at seniors defending themselves. I have taught groups of seniors, numerous with mobility challenges and to a person they learned and demonstrated skills they use to keep themselves safe. The lessons raised their personal safety awareness and gave them confidence in being able to control their own environment.

Teenagers learning to protect themselves.

Frank messages from law enforcement delivered by McGruff the Crime Dog.

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Brighten your day with Jazz.

Jazz Aficionados.

Retired Secret Service Agent Jackson Pennington plays Lester Young at Marc Stucki‘s Steak-Seafood & Jazz fine dining restaurant in Santa Barbara, California in “Vancouver Secrets” debuting in February 2020.

When not jamming with a quartet at Stucki’s Pennington is investigating money laundering in British Columbia and California with his fellow “J” Team Investigators.

Read more of Jackson Pennington‘s remarkable saxophone talent in “Barkley Sound Secrets”.

https://www.jonathanmccormick.com/jm…/barkley-sound-secrets/

You may recognize friends or relatives portraying themselves in this thriller of British Columbia’s cocaine entrepreneurships.

In this album, Lester is jamming with Montreal’s jazz king Oscar Peterson.

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WOMEN YOU CAN EMULATE

These women may appear exceptional but the reality is any woman can achieve a similar skill level. Success in 90% Mind Set. My experience teaching sexual assault survival students has been their motivation is exceptionally high as is their success rate.

Our thanks to Female Fitness Motivation

 STRONG WOMEN TAKE RISKS.

The strong woman knows when to push her luck and when to fold. She knows that life requires us to push ourselves if we want to grow and learn; staying stuck in fear will only breed complacency. She takes risks in order to become better-rounded and test her limitations. This woman knows that a lot of our boundaries can be crossed if we jump the mental hurdles first.

As kids, we believe we can do anything because our parents and teachers tell us we can. We don’t have any fear because the world’s programming hasn’t affected us yet. If we fall down and get hurt as a child, we don’t fixate on the event and allow it to grow into a fear. We simply face our fear over and over until we have learned to master it. Kids remain in the present moment because they have open minds. They want to absorb everything life can teach them.

Then, as we grow up, we start to put up walls and tell ourselves we can’t do certain things. We form an image of ourselves in our heads that becomes our identity. After a while, we become fixed. We don’t believe we can bend and mold ourselves into something new. However, the strong woman breaks this cycle often. She pushes herself to do new things so that her identity and self-image don’t solidify. She doesn’t allow fear to control her because she knows that she can’t learn unless she’s in a calm, confident state of mind.

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Are we masochists?


Do we gain pleasure from the pain and humiliation from sadists?


Of course not.


Why then do we engage in social media discussions with those whose pleasure is derived from hurting others?


Why not just block them and move on with our lives?

We will never convince them the morality of equal pay, of racial equality/justice, or the world benefits of the Olympics or the joy of extending a helping hand to others.

Photo credit Nathan Dumlao


“Let us not seek…justice…by drinking from the cup of bitterness and hatred. We must forever conduct our struggle on the high plane of dignity and discipline. We must not allow our creative protest to degenerate into physical violence. Again and again we must rise to the majestic heights of meeting physical force with soul force.” Martin Luther King Jr. 1963

Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.”

Education. I participated in the development of Canadian Social Studies texts and the ignorance of many of the developers who were prepared to accept unauthenticated data was appalling.

Listen to Michael Holding’s comments on the issue and where education has failed and how we can rectify.

Michael is a legend in the field of Cricket. https://www.cricbuzz.com/profiles/4167/michael-holding

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Rape dismissed because of body language

Saanich, British Columbia

“Maybe the police officer is right to say that in the current legal system we have, it won’t matter that she was sexually assaulted. We have multiple players in the system that are maybe making rational conclusions based on our structurally flawed system.”

The Saanich police constable in charge of Ashley’s case concluded the file on April 9, 2019. In that file, the officer writes that Ashley was “never forced to do anything she had not agreed to by way of body language.”

“And he said if I didn’t fight back, and I was conscious enough to [fight back], then it didn’t count. He said there would be no chance on it going to court because they would look at me as an under-age teenager who was just trying to fit in and be cool.”

Read the full article below

Warning: Story contains details of sexual assault.

A young Saanich woman says she was left feeling disheartened and blamed after she told local police she had been sexually assaulted.

Ashley, 19, who is using a pseudonym to protect her identity, waited more than a year to go to the Saanich Police Department (SPD). She wanted to wait until she was 18 and could report without having her parents find out about the assault.

The incident occurred at a small basement party near Maple Bay in October 2017, where the then 16-year-old got drunk for the first time. Police documents released to Ashley and shared with Black Press Media state that Ashley and a young man were making out – something she was comfortable with initially.

But when they moved to a blow-up air mattress, Ashley says the man assaulted her, performing oral sex on her, followed by penetration. Both by her own account and police reports, Ashley said she didn’t resist physically, but said ‘no’ more than once.

READ ALSO: Stories of sexual assault at B.C. tree planting camps ‘shocking but not surprising:’ advocate

“[Ashley] felt very uncomfortable with this evening, understands that as a 16-year-old at the time, she was very intoxicated and confused about the whole affair with [name retracted],” reads the police report.

The Saanich police constable in charge of Ashley’s case concluded the file on April 9, 2019. In that file, the officer writes that Ashley was “never forced to do anything she had not agreed to by way of body language.”

He wrote that the threshold for a sexual assault charge wasn’t satisfied based on the evidence gathered.

According to Ashley, the officer told her that it didn’t matter how many times she had said ‘no’ because body language was another form of communication.

“And he said if I didn’t fight back, and I was conscious enough to [fight back], then it didn’t count. He said there would be no chance on it going to court because they would look at me as an under-age teenager who was just trying to fit in and be cool.”

She said the constable told her he hoped that she put herself in ‘better situations in the future.’

The constable spoke to the suspect, who offered to make an in-person apology. Ashley didn’t want to hear it. She felt emotionally defeated by the process.

Ashley went to the media after reading about an October 2019 report from the Office of the Police Complaint Commissioner (OPCC), which revealed a Saanich police officer was suspended for 20 days after counselling an alleged sexual assault victim not to report the incident to police.

“I do understand it’s a huge problem. No one gets convicted or actually gets charged because, despite how much evidence you have, the criminal court is so poorly set up … and the police aren’t making that any better, any easier. It’s so frustrating because [police] are the first step.”

Since then, Ashley said the constable on her file issued an apology to her through a liaison officer with the Victoria Sexual Assault Centre, where she receives counselling.

“It definitely did impact my mental health,” she says. “I almost took my life because of it.”

READ ALSO: Victoria Sexual Assault Centre remains open for survivors through COVID-19 pandemic

Rebecca Johnson, a law professor at the University of Victoria, says body language isn’t a legal dealbreaker, as evidenced by the 1992 Supreme Court of Canada case R v. Ewanchuk, which upheld that there was no defence of ‘implied consent’ in a sexual assault trial.

“The idea that she has to push or shove … that’s just legally wrong. But the fact that it’s legally wrong doesn’t mean people aren’t still seeing those as the dominant stories and using them to filter cases out of the system at each step of the way.”

Johnson said Ashley’s case fits with conventions of filtering out and discounting survivors’ experiences. It’s not just an issue at the policing level, she notes. Sexual assault cases face a lineup of gatekeepers including police, lawyers, judges and society in general.

“Maybe the police officer is right to say that in the current legal system we have, it won’t matter that she was sexually assaulted. We have multiple players in the system that are maybe making rational conclusions based on our structurally flawed system.”

Carissa Ropponen, spokesperson for the Victoria Sexual Assault Centre, says accessing the criminal justice system is re-traumatizing for survivors of sexual assault, if they even make it that far.

She notes that approximately only 10 per cent of sexual assault survivors report to police.

“We know that many survivors are not treated with the respect and dignity that they deserve.”

Sgt. Andy Stuart of the SPD family protection unit told Black Press the majority of sexual assault files involving adults are handled by patrol officers – who may or may not have experience with that type of investigation.

In B.C., police don’t decide if charges will be filed on a given case – that decision comes from Crown counsel. But officers decide if there is enough evidence to submit a report to Crown.

For Saanich police, the decision and details of the investigation must first be reviewed and signed off by a supervisor. This year, SPD added more oversight, with the family protection unit now reviewing each sexual assault file. Those officers check to ensure the individual was interviewed in an appropriate setting and offered resources for ongoing support.

READ ALSO: No charges laid in reported sexual assault at CFB Esquimalt

The most common type of sexual assault – called ‘level 1’ in the Criminal Code of Canada – does not involve weapons; when the ‘sexual integrity of the victim is violated’ – and typically occurs between two people who know each other. Those crimes are difficult to prove at trial.

The number of sexual assaults reported to SPD has risen steadily – from 2010 to 2014 the average number of sexual assault reports was 40.4. Between 2017 and 2019 it was 85.7.

Statistics Canada notes that after the #MeToo social media movement began, and as thousands of people shared survivor stories, more sexual assaults were reported in which the accused was known to the victim. In 2017, the number of sexual assault incidents reported to police was higher than it had ever been since 1998.

Ropponen said that coming forward to speak about sexual violence is difficult.

“The shame and blame that people experience having to speak about an experience where you’ve been violated is really challenging to do. Going to police and having to recount the details of that trauma can be completely overwhelming. If the officer involved is not treating the survivor with the respect and dignity that they deserve, it’s even more challenging to go through that process.”

For members of marginalized communities, that process can be even harder. People who have been over-policed and targeted and experienced harassment from police, may not see police as a safe place to go, she said.

Ropponen and Stuart agree reform is needed. Both called for alternative systems that work to heal and remedy injustice without pitting survivors against the accused in criminal court.

For Ashley, there was no justice.

“They said [the constable] was going to get more training. But my case is over now.”

For resources and help dealing with sexual assault, visit the Victoria Sexual Assault Centre’s website at vsac.ca or call 250-383-3232.

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“I am not him”

Far too much emphasis has been placed in Canada on the actions of a Minneapolis police officer. America’s problems are their problems, not ours.

Canada is not perfect but Canadian officers ARE NOT HIM.

Jamie Johnston, Officer Johnston is making a difference by drawing attention that she is NOT HIM. Neither are thousands of her colleagues.

Oorah Officer Johnston. I post this, hopefully with your permission and for sure all the respect and kudos that go with your motivation.

YOU ARE NOT HIM.

May 31 at 9:08 AM

I’m a Police officer. I’m not Chauvin.
I’m a mom. I’m not him. I’m a wife. I’m not him. I’m a daughter, sister, cousin, friend. I’m not him. I’M NOT HIM.
His actions don’t represent me, or how I am as a Police officer. Before you think that all cops are racist and evil, think about this for a second.
You’re friends with me. you’ve laughed with me, hugged me, cried with me, shared stories with me, come to me for advice. I’ve listened to you vent. I’ve seen you at your best and worst. I’ve celebrated life’s little moments with you!

When I put on my uniform and go to work, that Jamie doesn’t go way. If you feel for one second I’m racist cop delete me, don’t ever speak to me again. If you know I’m not racist, then please know that not all cops are racist, and use excessive force.
What happened to Floyd was not a cop doing his job, that was a cop who doesn’t have compassion about his job or the people in his community.

I will say it again I’M NOT HIM!

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White. Yellow. Orange. Red. Your new favorite colors.

Welcome to situational awareness for women.

Colonel Jeff Cooper’s Color Code of Awareness developed for law enforcement, adapted here for women.

CONDITION WHITE

This condition applies when you are by yourself, possibly in the bathtub with a glass of chardonnay. You know your windows and doors are locked and you have zero responsibilities at the moment.

Yes, very few women have this pleasure which is the point. You need to be aware of your surroundings 100% of the time.

CONDITION YELLOW

This is your awareness every waking moment of your day. If you have children you know the feeling; you check on your children before you retire and when you awake. When you are working in your home, you are aware of their location.

Many women fall out of this when they leave their house, not checking their vehicle’s back seat as they approach, locking their doors immediately after entering, parking in a highly visible location as close to their destination as possible, controlling your children but not at the cost of your personal safety.

One site uses an example of a woman grocery shopping seeing a man following her. She is in White. NO. When you are out and about you are automatically in yellow, always checking your surroundings. And if in doubt, ask for an escort to your vehicle.

This is NOT paranoia, it is common sense personal safety.

Condition Orange

Using grocery shopping as an example, a woman puts her groceries in her vehicle and sees a man approaching, looking at her. She immediately moves to ORANGE, and is ready to react. She reaches into her coat pocket placing her hand on a canister of pepper spray then proceeds to enter her car, lock the doors and leave.

Had the man continued his approach she would have gone to RED and yelled, “Back off” staring him directly in the eye as she proceeded to enter her vehicle, prepared to spray him directly in the face.

The aggression of RED leaves no doubt in a woman’s persona that she is prepared to act in her own defense and not be a passive object.

Please take a moment and view these videos of women in a self-defense class and listen to their aggressiveness. https://www.jonathanmccormick.com/resources/

Read what these Strong Women have to say. https://www.jonathanmccormick.com/strong-women/

“I think women are scared of feeling powerful and strong and brave sometimes. There’s nothing wrong with being afraid. It’s not the absence of fear, it’s overcoming it and sometimes you just have to blast through and have faith.” Emma Watson https://www.jonathanmccormick.com/emma-watson-et-al-on-strong-women/

Do not believe that society will protect you. The police are reactive. You must be proactive. It is not difficult if you believe in the Color Code of Awareness and acquire skills.

Read one woman’s journey through the court system expecting justice. https://thewalrus.ca/why-sexual-assault-survivors-are-looking-outside-the-criminal-system-for-justice/

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Inspiration and motivation from Tessa and Scott

Tessa and Scott, Our journey from childhood dream to Gold.

https://books.google.com/books?id=s4JwFLQ1SdkC&printsec=frontcover#v=onepage&q&f=false

Tessa was eight and Scott was 10 when they started skating together. Scott was playing hockey and Tessa learning ballet while being taught ice dance. They overcame numerous obstacles during their twenty-one year career which culminated with the Gold Medal for Ice Dancing in 2010 in Vancouver. two Silver Medals at the 2014 Sochi Olympics and two Gold Medals at the Pyeongchang Games in 2018.

They had the support of family, financially and emotionally but while training, they were on their own, drawing strength and motivation from each other.

Sexual assault survivors can gain similar inspiration from other women https://www.jonathanmccormick.com/strong-women/ Read the article below from women who have been there and done that. Notice all the help Tessa and Scott had to achieve their goals. The same help is available from numerous women’s groups. One in particular is Domestic Shelters https://www.domesticshelters.org/?gclid=EAIaIQobChMI6bvz3Nep6QIVh56zCh31RAovEAAYASAAEgJJKPD_BwE where counselors will connect you with support in your province or state.

They worked on this program for two years, refining and redefining during their performances leading to the Olympics.
This is their Short Dance. Exquisite.

They won four World Championships, three Four Continents Championships, nine Canadian Championships and six Skate Canada International title.

At Pyeongchang the set the world record for the highest total score in ice dancing.

The Goose is theirs! An incredibly dangerous yet stunning move with Scott squatting, his toes pointing outward with Tessa kneeling on his back with one leg and the other extended behind her.

They trained for years in Michigan and moved to Montreal under the guidance of World Champions Marie-France Dubreuil and Patrice Lauzon in Montreal, Quebec in 2016 in preparation for the 2018 Olympics.

Virtue and Moir had a Team with and behind them. B2Ten was one of those Team members. The duo were having difficulties in portraying their characters convincingly so Cirque du Soleil choreographer Silvia Gonzalez helped achieve the slight nuance changes.

They ran their training like a business with monthly meetings of the fifteen Team members. Lead by Patrice and Marie-France, the members were B2Ten, mental preparation coach Jean-Francois Menard, physiologist Chris Rozdilsky, strength and conditioning coaches Jaime Livingston and Scotty Livingston, physiotherapist John Flood, osteopath Dave Campbell, Pilates instructor Ann McMillan, nutritionist Alexia de Macar, naturopath Kim McQueen and massage therapist Kimberly Wong.

B2ten – Dare To Be Great

We believe that sport & active lifestyles are essential to building a healthy and dynamic Canadian society. http://b2ten.com/

Tessa talks about the invaluable assistance from B2Ten http://b2ten.com/media/

We mentor the personal development of athletes. In doing so we encourage them to be ambassadors for active and healthy lifestyles as well as to participate in community service projects for the greater good of the society.

B2Ten believes that amateur athletes can have a powerful and positive influence on society in general and young people in particular.

We comprise some of Canada’s business leadership, a unique group of Canada’s sport performance professionals and dedicated volunteers, all of whom share a common purpose: Contribute to a better Canada.

Posted in Courage | Tagged , , , | Leave a comment

QUARANTINED WITH AN ABUSER

“For those trapped inside with an abusive partner, this strange new reality can bring with it the added horror of an uptick in abuse and a partner who may be purposefully misleading them to think help is no longer available. The reality is that the shelters we’ve heard from are all operating as normal, highly aware of the importance of keeping services accessible.” 

NOW IS THE TIME TO HELP

If you are living with a person who misuses drugs and/or alcohol, consider leaving immediately for a shelter. If money is an issue contact your state/province for assistance. Shelter staff will assist. Canadians can access Covid money here https://www.canada.ca/en/department-finance/economic-response-plan.html Americans here https://www.benefits.gov/help/faq/Coronavirus-resources

“It seems most everything is closing down because of the Coronavirus, aka COVID-19, now considered a global pandemic. Schools, restaurants and other retail and service industries are temporarily suspending business to help curb the spread following the CDC’s recommendation of social distancing, advising any events with over 50 people be cancelled for the next eight weeks. Individuals are urged to stay at home as much as possible—work from home, order-in groceries, cancel nonessential doctor’s appointments and elective surgeries—basically, self-quarantine.”

How Abusers May Use COVID-19 Against Survivors

Abusers will likely exploit the COVID-19 pandemic to their own advantage. “This is another opportunity for an abusive partner to control their partner,” says Akapo. 

Survivors should be aware that abusers may….

  • Manipulate survivors into believing there are no resources available for them or that police or paramedics won’t respond to their calls.
  • Try to tell survivors that the abuser is infected, that they’ve infected the survivor, and if the survivor leaves them, they’ll put others at risk (a way to tray them at home).
  • Forbid the survivor from seeing friends or family because of the risk.
  • Downplay the risk and force the survivor to leave the house, or threaten to kick them out and expose them to the virus. 
  • Limit sharing critical information about the virus with survivors.  

Make sure the information you’re receiving about COVID-19 and the response recommendations are correct by visiting the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) website. The CDC also lists the symptoms for COVID-19 and gives instructions for what to do if you suspect you are infected.”

Safety Planning for a Quarantine

Coming up with a plan of what you can do will take away some of the anxiety about the unknown. If you’re afraid of being trapped in a home with an abusive partner, walk through the possible scenarios and decide ahead of time what your response will be. 

DomesticShelters.org offers a multitude of articles on creating safety plans here, but you may also start by asking yourself these questions:

  •  Do I feel like my health and my children’s health will be put at risk if I’m quarantined with my partner?
  • Is there anywhere else I can go where I will be safe for an extended period of time? 
  • Have I contacted a domestic violence advocate near me for options in my community?
  • Is there a friend or family member I can stay with if shelters are full? 
  • If I’m afraid of leaving without my pets, can I find a safe place for them to go? (See this article for resources.)

The National Domestic Violence Hotline warns that abusers may implement tactics such as withholding necessary supplies like medication, hand sanitizer, insurance cards or may prevent survivors from seeking medical care. 

Also important to note: The shelters we spoke to said they do not discriminate against survivors who are sick, nor would they ask a survivor to leave if they became sick. Scott says the YWCA’s protocol would be to seek medical help while limiting the survivor’s contact with others, potentially housing them at a nearby hotel instead of in shelter. “We’d never kick them out,” she says.”  

Are you in danger? Take this risk assessment test. https://www.jonathanmccormick.com/are-you-in-danger-take-this-risk-assessment-test/

SHELTER SAFE CANADA https://www.jonathanmccormick.com/shelter-safe-canada-2/

STOP THE VIOLENCE

Teenage dancers perform a Travis Wall choreographed routine which highlights the tragedy of the violence we inflict upon our fellow humans daily. https://www.jonathanmccormick.com/stop-the-violence-2/

Our sincere appreciation to Domesticshelters for this valuable information https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/in-the-news/the-danger-of-being-quarantined-with-an-abuser?fbclid=IwAR2EgBeAYC4kpi6hk-xZ2ma0NP5r63yKAt2eo_1wIch0mX1dmzBoAgL-aj8

Posted in Covid and abuse | 2 Comments

HELP WHEN IT IS NEEDED

Might a friend or relative be in danger living with an abuser during these stressful times coping with the coronavirus?

This might be the time to rally her friends to come to her aid, provide her shelter and safety when government help is unavailable.

Domestic Shelters is available 24/7 to offer assistance in Canada and the United States.

The Danger of Being Quarantined with an Abuser

“It seems most everything is closing down because of the Coronavirus, aka COVID-19, now considered a global pandemic. Schools, restaurants and other retail and service industries are temporarily suspending business to help curb the spread following the CDC’s recommendation of social distancing, advising any events with over 50 people be cancelled for the next eight weeks. Individuals are urged to stay at home as much as possible—work from home, order-in groceries, cancel nonessential doctor’s appointments and elective surgeries—basically, self-quarantine.

But for those trapped inside with an abusive partner, this strange new reality can bring with it the added horror of an uptick in abuse and a partner who may be purposefully misleading them to think help is no longer available. The reality is that the shelters we’ve heard from are all operating as normal, highly aware of the importance of keeping services accessible.” 

https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/in-the-news/the-danger-of-being-quarantined-with-an-abuser

“We make finding the right shelter and information about domestic violence easier. Instead of searching the Internet, it is all right here. We’ve painstakingly verified information on shelters in LA to shelters in NY, and every domestic violence program in between. If you or a friend is suffering from physical abuse, emotional abuse, psychological abuse or verbal abuse, this free service can help. Select domestic violence programs based on location, service and language needs. Find 24-hour hotlines in your area, service listings, and helpful articles on domestic violence statistics, signs and cycles of abuse, housing services, emergency services, legal and financial services, support groups for women, children and families, and more.”

Here is a link to informative videos which we encourage you to share.

https://www.domesticshelters.org/videos

Show her how to laugh again.

Take this evaluation with her.

Domestic Violence Assessment Tools

The Danger Assessment

The free Danger Assessment helps determine the level of danger an abused person has of being killed by an intimate partner. There are two parts to the tool: 1) a calendar and 2) a 20-item scoring instrument. The calendar helps to assess severity and frequency of abuse, and is helps raise the consciousness of the victim and reduce the denial and minimization of the abuse. The 20-item scoring instrument uses a weighted system to score yes/no responses to risk factors associated with intimate partner homicide. It is available in multiple languages and offers a separate assessment tool (the “DA-1) for immigrant women.

HELP IS A CLICK AWAY. VISIT THIS LINK, INPUT YOUR ZIP OR POSTAL CODE AND FOLLOW THE DIRECTIONS FOR ASSISTANCE IN YOUR AREA.

https://www.domesticshelters.org/help#?hotline_always_open=true&page=1

Our sincere appreciation to Domestic Shelters for this invaluable information and assisting survivors.

Posted in Domestic Abuse | Tagged , , , , | Leave a comment

TWO WOMEN MURDERED BY HUSBANDS 72 HOURS APART

THREE DAYS AT PIGEON LAKE

Domestic violence in rural communities.

John Allan killed his wife Wendy then himself.

Dead woman curled hand lying on floor

Terry Finn murdered his spouse of 50 years, shooting her through her car window as she sat trapped in a seat belt in a Home Depot parking lot.

Photo by Vitabello

“According to the most recent, complete data from Statistics Canada, in 2018, intimate partner homicides happened disproportionately in rural areas. Also that year, homicides were most prevalent among older, married people — a disturbing trend as the population ages.”

“Fields (Sandra’s sister) said the ridicule, sarcasm and threats eventually gave way to physical abuse, and she began to worry for her sister’s safety.”

Why do abused women stay with their assailant? We can not judge. Sandra’s friend compares Sandra staying with the addiction of alcohol or drugs.

“In fact, Sandra tried to leave her husband three times. “He had this power over her that she just kept going back. You know, similar behaviour of an alcoholic — crying, ‘I’m sorry, I’ll be better, I’ll change.’ But he might be good for an hour, a day, a week, maybe a month, but always, always a return to the same,”

Read how it happened, the warning signs which were ignored and what society can do to stem the tide of rising domestic violence.

https://newsinteractives.cbc.ca/longform/pigeon-lake-domestic-violence-lindsay-ontario

Thank you CBC for voicing outrage and public concern.

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

STOP LIVING IN THE PAST

HERE ARE 7 WAYS TO STOP LIVING IN THE PAST

1.    TAKE RESPONSIBILITY

Being stuck in the past can sometimes mean refusing to take responsibility for the things that have happened to you. You remember the mistakes you’ve made and the hurt those decisions have caused, and instead of admitting your part in the error, you replay them again and again in your head, blaming everything but yourself.

2.    MAKE NEW MEMORIES IN THE PRESENT

If all you have are bad memories from the past, that means it’s time to push them aside and focus on making new memories. How can you change the way you think, so you live in your everyday life, not in the life you used to know? Studies have even found that memories can prevent the creation of new ones!

Live in the present.

3.    PROCESS PAST EMOTIONS

Emotional processing is a skill that we often take for granted. You may think you’re “over” something. Still, because of not processing your feelings correctly, you wind up accidentally bottling up old emotions, which will subconsciously affect your actions and how you think.

4.    FORGIVE

For many people, forgiveness is a crucial part of their journey to moving on from the past. It’s a form of closure that clearly says, “The people who have wronged me no longer influence me.” Holding grudges, especially for relatively non-serious issues, can be harmful to you and those around you.

NOTE: This is not the kind of forgiveness someone offers you for a slight. This is letting go so the person or persons no longer control your emotions.

You can’t move on if you hang with the same type of people you did previously.

7 Ways To Stop Living In The Past

living in the past

Do your friends and loved ones implore you to stop living in the past?

Are there things about your past that you can’t stop thinking about? Maybe it was something you said or did or an aspect of your upbringing. Or maybe it was something painful and awkward, or something that broke your heart. Perhaps it was something someone did to you, or how an unexpected event harmed you, or how your mistakes affected you.

But living in the past like that isn’t productive. The past is set in stone. There’s no method of time travel available for you to use – and, if there was one, trust us when you say you wouldn’t want to take it. You’d be a totally different person if you stop living in the past!

But what is next? How can you move on?

HERE ARE 7 WAYS TO STOP LIVING IN THE PAST

1.    TAKE RESPONSIBILITY

Being stuck in the past can sometimes mean refusing to take responsibility for the things that have happened to you. You remember the mistakes you’ve made and the hurt those decisions have caused, and instead of admitting your part in the error, you replay them again and again in your head, blaming everything but yourself.

Try to locate the lesson you can learn from this, instead. What did you do that led to this? How can you prevent it from happening next time? How can you make the most of your situation now? Nine times out of 10, there’s a way you’re avoiding your role in the debacle!

Yes, people can indeed wrong you, and sometimes, they are indisputably at fault. Yes, it’s also true that bad situations and emergencies can come out of nowhere, and there’s no way to prepare for or prevent them.

But in those situations, it is your responsibility, too, to get back up again. It is your responsibility to process and overcome those emotions, and take the steps necessary to get to that goal, even if it’s incredibly difficult. These adverse circumstances and people should not have power over you. Strengthen yourself and redirect your energy to being kind to yourself and others instead.

stop living in the past

2.    MAKE NEW MEMORIES IN THE PRESENT

If all you have are bad memories from the past, that means it’s time to push them aside and focus on making new memories. How can you change the way you think, so you live in your everyday life, not in the life you used to know? Studies have even found that memories can prevent the creation of new ones!

While new memories won’t necessarily make you forget the past, they can override it, making you realize that there can be more to life than what has happened before. It makes you think of the fact that the power is in your hands to make new memories! Learning to live in the moment can be a big step in doing this. You can do so by:

  • Learning new hobbies or skills that can focus your efforts on new goals
  • Exercising to release positive hormones and keep your body healthy
  • Meditating to practice mindfulness and existing in your mind at the moment
  • Establishing routines, which will boost sleep effectiveness and positive thinking
  • Going out with friends to stay social and interactive
  • Making new friends to widen your social circle and learn new, current perspectives

3.    PROCESS PAST EMOTIONS

Emotional processing is a skill that we often take for granted. You may think you’re “over” something. Still, because of not processing your feelings correctly, you wind up accidentally bottling up old emotions, which will subconsciously affect your actions and how you think.

Unprocessed emotions can lead to a lot of baggage, including ones that cause fear and anxiety in you for reasons you can’t fathom. Here are some ways to process past emotions:

·         CONFRONT THEM

Admit the feelings to yourself, or even to someone else. Realize how certain events made you feel and why. Validate yourself, too; it’s okay that you felt this way.

·         WRITE ABOUT THEM

Get a journal and fill it with thoughts about your emotions, expressing yourself freely with no limits and no filter. Journals provide positive effects on post-stress processing. You can also write a letter to yourself or to a person who wronged you, really letting it all out. But remember, don’t send the message!

·         PINPOINT THE WAY THEY AFFECT YOU

How are these old emotions still influencing your everyday life and the world? Often, realizing how much the past is dragging you down can be the push you need to work in earnest to get out of that headspace.

·         TALK ABOUT THEM

Speak to a friend, family member, colleague, or another person you can trust. You can even visit a therapist, counselor, or similar mental health professional. Don’t be afraid to ask for help! Remember, you don’t need a mental disorder or condition to see an expert in the field.

stop living in the past quote

4.    FORGIVE

For many people, forgiveness is a crucial part of their journey to moving on from the past. It’s a form of closure that clearly says, “The people who have wronged me no longer influence me.” Holding grudges, especially for relatively non-serious issues, can be harmful to you and those around you.

But do remember that forgiveness is never 100% necessary. If there are people you cannot bring to forgive due to the horrifying nature of their actions, it is okay not to. In that situation, instead of forgiveness, strive for peace. This event happened to you, but it no longer affects you, and that person becomes meaningless to you. Don’t forget. You also need to forgive yourself, not just other people. To do so both ways, you can:

Think of yourself as if you were a much-loved friend or family member. Would you be as harsh on them as you are on yourself?

Don’t keep score of your wrongs or the wrongs of those around you. To err is human. People will harm you again. You will make decisions you don’t stand by later. You will make mistakes. That’s just how it is!

Realize that you can control your reactions, even if you can’t control the initial action. If someone wrongs you, you get to choose how to respond. And if bad things happen, you get to decide how you’ll react. If you make mistakes, you get to choose how to bounce back.

how to forgive and stop living in the past

5.    CONSIDER THE COMPANY YOU KEEP

Look around you. Who are the kinds of people you hang out with? Consider how many of them:

  • Are from pasts that haunt you to this day?
  • Tend to be cynical about everything?
  • Always, intentionally remind you of your part?
  • Cause you to feel worse after hanging out with them?
  • Are consistently blaming you or others for everything that happens to them?

Read the rest of these helpful suggestions so you can move ahead and forget the past. Live today for today.

Thank you The Power of Positivity for sharing. https://www.powerofpositivity.com/living-in-past-overcome/

Posted in Happy living, Moving on, overcoming it and finding courage | Tagged , , , | Leave a comment

ALBERTA WOMEN AT RISK

“The Alberta Council of Women’s Shelters’ (ACWS) report also says two-thirds of women in Alberta shelters stated they were at “severe” or “extreme” risk of being killed by their partner.”

Asking for help is not as easy as some observers believe.

Survivors of domestic violence say reaching out for help is often a major challenge.

“It’s a very secretive terror. You often don’t want to admit to anyone that you are living through this experience,” said Monique Auffrey.”

Women and children are often turned away from shelters with no room.

“No one was put on this earth to live a life of fear.” Jessica Fukishura “Barkley Sound Secrets.

“A new report says domestic abuse rates are the highest they’ve been in 10 years, and 23,247 Alberta women, children and seniors requesting admission were turned away that in the last two years due to lack of available shelter space.”

“We are working at full capacity right now so we have a 100 per cent occupancy rate and our counselors are also working around the clock to offer services,” said Jorge Torres from the Brenda Strafford Foundation.

“Auffrey is now the CEO at Discovery House, a women’s shelter in Calgary that is dedicated to helping other families in the aftermath of abusive relationships. “

Shelters have an impressive success rate.

“The ACWS report also states the 96 per cent of women and seniors who have stayed in a shelter do not return to an abusive relationship.”

Thank you Stephanie Thomas and CTV news. https://calgary.ctvnews.ca/alberta-women-face-highest-risk-of-domestic-violence-in-a-decade-1.4717465

What can Albertans do to change the situation?

“Torres says increased awareness, fundraising and volunteers can help address domestic violence in Alberta.”

Take this risk assessment test for yourself or someone else and share the results. https://www.jonathanmccormick.com/are-you-in-danger-take-this-risk-assessment-test/

Posted in Domestic Abuse, Murdered women | Tagged , , , | Leave a comment

Are you in danger? Take this risk assessment test.

A terrified young woman in an underground parking garage being followed by a sinister man

“She says he was nice, at first, but red flags popped up almost immediately, things that she pushed aside, hoping she could help him through. He had just gotten out of a relationship with a woman who was a heroin addict. She had left him with their two young children, a 2-year-old daughter and a 5-year-old son. Kate says he didn’t seem all that attached to his children, or affectionate, something that struck her as troublesome.”

Thanks to Domestic Shelters for this invaluable information and tools.

https://www.domesticshelters.org/resources/risk-assessment-tools

Domestic Violence Assessment Tools

The Danger Assessment

The free Danger Assessment helps determine the level of danger an abused person has of being killed by an intimate partner. There are two parts to the tool: 1) a calendar and 2) a 20-item scoring instrument. The calendar helps to assess severity and frequency of abuse, and is helps raise the consciousness of the victim and reduce the denial and minimization of the abuse. The 20-item scoring instrument uses a weighted system to score yes/no responses to risk factors associated with intimate partner homicide. It is available in multiple languages and offers a separate assessment tool (the “DA-1) for immigrant women.

MOSAIC

Using a series of questions, each weighed by MOSAIC in relation to their importance, this free tool  assesses how similar a situation is to other situations that have gotten worse. After creating a confidential account and answering the questions, a detailed report is compiled immediately and tells you how a situation compares to others like it, rating it on a scale of 1 to 10. MOSAIC has been used by U.S. Supreme Court police to assess threats against Justices, by the U.S. Capitol Police to assess threats against members of Congress and by police protecting governors of 11 states, though now its widest use is in assessing cases of domestic violence.

Click on “Free Tool” above to access this valuable resource.

Stalking and Harassment Assessment and Risk Profile (SHARP)

SHARP is a 15-minute online assessment that is free and confidential. Within about a minute of completing the assessment, participants receive a narrative summarizing their situation and steps they may want to consider to improve their safety. SHARP is useful for both victims of stalking and professionals assisting victims. It is consistent with general legal components of stalking statutes and was developed collaboratively with professionals in the field as well as victims, including attorneys, victim advocates, prosecutors, law enforcement, and organizations such as the Battered Women’s Justice Project and the Stalking Resource Center.

Click on “15 minute online assessment” above to evaluate whether you are being stalked.

Posted in Domestic Abuse | Tagged , , , | 1 Comment

“How long did you feel you needed to be on guard after leaving an abuser?”

The majority of my students never feel at ease. Every student masters the Color Code of Awareness.

Condition white, you are relaxed and unaware of what is going on around you. The doors and windows are locked and you know you are safe in your home.

Condition yellow DOES NOT equate with paranoia or any other irrational fear of persons or places. Instead, you simply have moved your alertness to a level of attention that will prevent you from being totally surprised by the actions of another person.

While walking through an area, loosely keep track of anyone behind you. When choosing a seat in a restaurant, position yourself to see the entrance or to minimize the number of people who might be behind you. This video portrays women oblivious of their surroundings. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nz9Q3FPKAJ4

Condition orange, you have identified something of interest that may or may not prove to be a threat.

Until you determine the true nature of whatever has piqued your interest, your “radar” is narrowed to concentrate on the possible threat and will remain so focused until you are satisfied no threat exists.

Condition red. If the focus of your attention in condition orange does something you find threatening, you will shift to condition red, changing the focus of your attention from a potential threat to a potential target.

All women need to be personal safety proactive. The Vancouver Police Department in British Columbia has on-going classes for women. https://dailyhive.com/vancouver/vancouver-police-womens-self-defence-classes-2019-vpd

Here is a story from one of my students. Several months into training she met her former assailant in the grocery store. He walked down the aisle, cocky and arrogant until he got close to her. He stopped. He knew something was different. Her skill level and self control were palpable. He walked by and said, “I can shop here too.”

When she share the story, 29 women cheered loudly, congratulating her and gaining confidence themselves. https://www.jonathanmccormick.com/he-sat-on-my-arms-and-beat-my-face-with-his-fists/

Vancouver Police (British Columbia) Safety Tips.

Thanks to Domestic Shelters for the response here. https://www.facebook.com/210063369158387/posts/1534617533369624/

Personal Safety

Many people fear the possibility of being robbed or assaulted while outside the safety of their home and, though these incidents are fairly rare, they do happen. There are some basic steps that you can take to help prevent an assault or to respond correctly if something does happen.

These are basic steps, so they may seem extremely simple, but they do work. The most important thing in any of these situations is to be aware of your surroundings at all times and to trust your gut instinct. If a certain person, place, or situation makes you feel uncomfortable, get out immediately.”

https://vancouver.ca/police/crime-prevention/for-individuals/personal-safety.html

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Family turns on you, supporting abuser. How to survive.

She left an abusive relationship with no money and just the clothes she could quickly pack in one suitcase.

She sought shelter with her parents presuming she would receive the protection and support needed to sue for divorce.

She was mistaken. They took his side.

“At 22, Steiner met a man and fell head over heels in love. He would wind up strangling her just days before their wedding. Steiner, the first person to ever give a TED Talk about being a domestic violence survivor, takes readers through a brutally honest account of living with an abusive husband and how she narrowly escaped with her life.”https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/book-club/your-em-crazy-love-em-questions-answered?fbclid=IwAR3O4aO9kXIUEbBwrAMYA6n3L0eDGSMkpWo9jhUfetWnn0tRj8A1ZFbfdu8

Thank you to Domestic Shelters for this invaluable information.

Q: “When your father came into the court and you saw him and for a moment felt good thinking that he came for you and then realized that he came to pay your abuser’s lawyer—what was that like?”

Steiner: It was many things. I was really hurt and confused and angry in the moment. I have a different perspective now. Many things unfolded between me and my father [since then]—he was a victim of abuse as a child and that made things even more confusing. In some strange way he was trying to deny this was happening to me because it was too painful. 

He felt sorry for Conor and thought it would help me. It sort of made me realize how complicated it is when you leave an abuser—people who stand up for you are caught in the web as well and they can’t necessarily protect you. You need experts in domestic violence. If Conor had gone to a domestic violence advocate and said can you lend me $1,000, she would have just laughed.

The fact that my father was really naïve was illuminating to me. It made me realize that my father didn’t trust me and wasn’t putting my own best interests first. He should have turned to me as the expert. Most people don’t consider victims the expert.

Eventually, it led to my ceasing to have a relationship with [my father]. I couldn’t tolerate the fact that for his own very self-centered interests he couldn’t have a vested interest in me. It’s really so hard. 

But it was also the beginning of the healing of my relationship with my mom. My parents divorced right before I met Conor—it’s part of the reason I was so susceptible, I think. I was trying to recreate my own nuclear family. 

My mother could not have been more supportive in any other way. The moral of the story of that to me is that moms rule. They’re just incredible.

Listen to Ms. Steiner address the audience in her TED talk.

 

Posted in Domestic Abuse | Tagged , , , | 2 Comments

“Barkley Sound Secrets”

Don’t live a life of fear. Regain control as so many other women have.
Wyoming Secrets30,000 Secrets, Santa Barbara Secrets, Barkley Sound Secrets, Vancouver Secrets  and the “J” Team Series are inspirational novels which embolden and motivate women who feel overwhelmed by the threat of violence in their lives.

Enjoy the characters’ journeys and consider applying their advice and tactics to your own life. There is never a reason for any woman to be controlled by anybody. Read what other women have to say about living life to the fullest on their terms

“Barkley Sound Secrets” debuted last week on Amazon. Numerous British Columbia and Alberta personalities in law enforcement, construction, port authorities and union leadership portray themselves.

“Barkley Sound Secrets” sees the plot shifting from Santa Barbara to a Vancouver Island fjord leading from the Pacific Ocean into Port Alberni, a logging and mill town where local entrepreneurs exhibit financial acumen and personal tenacity, albeit, criminally.

Karen Winthrop and Tom Hortonn having been seconded from the RCMP and Toronto Police Service respectfully, invite RCMP Member, Kimberley Breyman to join their surveillance of two Vancouver attorneys and an accountant whom the Edmonton detectives believe are part of a new cocaine cartel.

The characters deal with homophobes with whom the women get into a fight, enjoy outstanding Santa Barbara and Vancouver, BC cuisine and taking down the two cocaine cartels.

https://www.jonathanmccormick.com/jm…/barkley-sound-secrets/

HERE ARE 5 TELLTALE SIGNS OF A STRONG WOMAN:

“The world needs strong women; women who will lift & build others, who will love & be loved, women who live bravely, both tender & fierce; women of indomitable will.” – Amy Tenney

1.SHE RESPECTS HERSELF AND OTHERS.

Posted in Women's Fiction | 1 Comment

“After you left, how was your life different?”

These women share their stories. Please share your experience at the bottom of the post so others know of the progress that can be made through their journey.

Domestic Shelters, (https://www.domesticshelters.org/help?gclid=Cj0KCQiAmsrxBRDaARIsANyiD1pDaCSUtTqtHayrJG36SZdwZYgUoEFMDWCfhGXz3woMOhkTZLqtXvgaAl1rEALw_wcB#?page=1) thank you for sharing these stories of survival and the encouragement they generate for other women and teens. https://www.facebook.com/210063369158387/posts/1520577894773588/

Contolling men😬
Far too many women live with this terror daily n fail to acquire the means to leave.
“Bad Moms” portrays women who shed that baggage.
Please share with every woman you know. If she is not affected, she may know a woman who is. https://www.jonathanmccormick.com/controlling-men-and-how-to-regain-your-life/

You turfed your abuser, now what?

Healing will take time and patience. Assessing what went wrong in your abusive relationship can consume you. Don’t do it. Shit happens. We make mistakes and end up with the wrong person. https://www.jonathanmccormick.com/you-turfed-your-abuser-now-what/

Changing locations, getting a new job and moving on works. Not immediately, but it does according to many women who have, unfortunately, been in your shoes.

Read what process other women have used and now enjoy their freedom https://www.jonathanmccormick.com/you-turfed-your-abuser-now-what/

A friend had this experience and did just that; moved, new job etc. but she found she was making the same mistakes, being drawn to losers…again. A female friend suggested she engage in some of the same activities listed below. She gave up on trying and found what she was seeking playing volleyball at the park on a Sunday with girlfriends.

Understanding domestic violence can be difficult for some who have not experienced the terror or know someone who has.
The survivors I teach share their stories and they are identical to these.
I hope you will take a few moments to see how these women were controlled and many beaten and how survival has brought them a new life.

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Child abuse. Help stop it.

“Childhelp intervention programs protect children from danger along several steps of crisis resolution. The first step in our approach is the Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline, a 24/7 resource for children, parents, caregivers, teachers, and concerned individuals who suspect abuse may be occurring. The hotline offers crisis intervention, information, literature and referrals to thousands of emergency, social service, and support resources. On average, the Childhelp National Child Abuse hotline receives well over 100,000 child abuse calls a year. While we have made significant progress, there’s still so much more work to be done! The next step in the intervention of child abuse is providing children with a safe place to live. Childhelp Group Homes give children a place to call home with counseling, therapy, support and the structure needed to heal. Lastly, Childhelp’s Foster Care & Adoption Services work with children and families to find good long-term matches to ensure that every child’s future is brighter than their past. Read more about each of our specific intervention programs by clicking the links below. “https://www.childhelp.org/childhelp-approach/

“She’d been looking for a man for a while. She was a mother with three little girls. She did not have a job. That was a lot to take on for anyone. Her second marriage had ended a year earlier. He started sleeping in her bedroom every night after they met. A few weeks later, I woke up to find them both gone. It was Christmas Eve morning. She’d left a note. They had gone to Vegas, a four-hour drive. Watch your two younger sisters, please. They’d be back that night.” https://www.jonathanmccormick.com/mom-met-him-the-night-before-hes-in-the-kitchen/

YOU DON’T OWN ME! Angry teens.

Whether the issue is parents not vaccinating their children and now, as teens, revolting and having the vaccination or parents directing their teens into careers, relationships or social encounters against their will, teens are rebelling in numbers greater than seen in many years.

Far too many teens feeling hopeless, leave home and end up on the street. Some are drawn to the mind numbing euphoria of drugs, some solicit to survive while others struggle to discover if a normal life exists and if so, what does it look like.https://www.jonathanmccormick.com/you-dont-own-me-angry-teens/

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Girls can reach, achieve and excel…But

Girls are often defeated before they have a chance to follow their dreams.

Anderson’s Mom didn’t stifle Jamie’s dreams

By age 10 many girls are directed to goals and objectives their parents wish for them…parents living vicariously through their children.

Preventing girls from dreaming BIG and doing whatever is necessary and affordable to assist them will produce more women such as Jamie Anderson and her ilk.

“When you fall, you gotta get back up and get back on the horse,” Anderson told Insider on Saturday night after the Big Air competition. “It’s OK to have crashes and let downs, but it’s how you respond and continue to work hard and take care of yourself.”  https://www.insider.com/x-games-jamie-anderson-losing-you-gotta-pick-yourself-up-2020-1

Here is Anderson’s Mom commenting on her approach to raising Jamie.

“I wanted them to be like children, playing outside, running and jumping and not sitting inside at a desk,” said Lauren Anderson, who raised the kids in South Lake Tahoe, Calif. “They got to be free, building their bodies, protecting their spirits and minds, and not being pushed or pressured.”

Jamie has seven siblings. SEVEN.

“Lauren home-schooled her eight kids while running a lawn-mowing business on the side. But the emphasis wasn’t on academics.”

“But at 9 years old, Jamie begged her mom to let her learn to snowboard, and within the year she was winning championships and beating boys who were older than her.”

https://www.today.com/news/gold-medalist-jamie-andersons-mom-i-didnt-push-my-kids-2D12092209

Let’s scrap the idea that girls need to dress a certain way to avoid boys getting the “wrong idea”.

Let’s avoid modeling subservient behavior that our daughters believe they must live under the control of a man.

Let’s not teach our girls that their lives don’t matter compared to that of a man’s.

Let’s stop preparing our girls to be victims of sexual and domestic assaults.

Let’s teach our girls to be bad asses and take the world by storm and be anything they want to be and to be strong enough to reject criticism.

Let’s stop asking five year old girls, “Do you have a boyfriend?”

https://www.jonathanmccormick.com/girls-need-to-know-their-place/

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“Girls need to know their place.”

The norm has been for girls to be raised to be nice, make people happy, disregard your ambitions and joys.

Little Big Town’s Fairchild sings a different tune, literally in this piece showing girls that they can reject the 1950’s social rules. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aPfHdJyd_IE

Thanks to Little Big Town and Youtube for the video

It is 2020 and girls can do and be anything they want and parents do not have to introduce their toddlers to princesses and shining knights.

Parents can show them truck drivers, medical doctors and dentists. They can introduce them to female astronauts and a myriad of other careers previously forbidden to girls.

Let’s get behind Little Big Town and “The Daughters” by sharing this clip, sharing your opinion and be a driving force for girls to choose their own destiny.

Let’s stop telling little girls they must wear their hair in a particular fashion to look pretty.

Let’s scrap the idea that girls need to dress a certain way to avoid boys getting the “wrong idea”.

Let’s avoid modeling subservient behavior that our daughters believe they must live under the control of a man.

Let’s not teach our girls that their lives don’t matter compared to that of a man’s.

Let’s stop preparing our girls to be victims of sexual and domestic assaults.

Let’s teach our girls to be bad asses and take the world by storm and be anything they want to be and to be strong enough to reject criticism.

Let’s stop asking five year old girls, “Do you have a boyfriend?”

Let’s raise smart, independent girls.

Little Big Town has received criticism for their lyrics which suggests we reject the 1950’s social norms. https://www.ctvnews.ca/entertainment/little-big-town-strike-a-nerve-with-grammy-nominated-song-1.4768843?cid=sm%3Atrueanthem%3Actvnews%3Apost&utm_campaign=trueAnthem%3A+Trending+Content&utm_medium=trueAnthem&utm_source=facebook&fbclid=IwAR0JYwsm4JOcz-R0eo2_gXPPQs5LW1MFa5OChg4j4YzlspQKbweTdZO1d9o

“The song, which they debuted at the Academy of Country Music Awards last April, features a chorus with the lyrics, “I’ve heard of God the son and God the father/I’m still looking for a God for the daughters.”

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Green Flags. What are they and why do they matter?

We spend a great deal of time here and elsewhere sharing RED FLAGS for women that we tend to forget that the perpetrators are a small percentage of men.

“What if we switched up that rhetoric, just for a moment, and focused on the potential good that could be waiting for us in the produce section of the grocery store, that coffee shop poetry reading or the speed dating our friends are dragging us to? You know, the “green flags.” Back in July, Buzzfeed talked about a Reddit thread where people called out such green flags—signs that a new person was more likely than not to be a decent, respectful and nonviolent human being.” https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/relationships/maybe-we-should-look-for-these-green-flags-too?fbclid=IwAR2VmKFxv9kt8B0arvGPhDeMv-R5WkzJPg3DnyPu6w6V42AbssXnU4twW38

That being said, how do women navigate around men who appear to be a decent person then, “I’m too conditioned on red to see green,” writes one reader on our Facebook page. Another writes, “You never know—mine was fine until I said, ‘I do.’ Then the red flags started.”

What Green Flags Do You Look For?

Respects a ‘no.’” – C.D. 

“Doesn’t ‘flip out’ when I express an opinion or feeling.” – A.M.

“Same person in public and private.” – C.N.

“Accepts who you are as an individual.” – M.S.

“Doesn’t blame the woman [for] why past relationships didn’t work. Does not belittle you in public or private. Doesn’t mind attending family gatherings.” – S. D.

“When the person’s actions match their words, from the smallest of things to the most important. This proves honesty, sincerity, faithfulness and a sense of safety.” – P.D.

“When I was dating my husband, he said he would never raise his voice to me. Married eight years to my safe man.” – C. B. 

“Respectful, open, honest communication.” – B.H.

“When a guy doesn’t show signs of jealousy when I’m away from him and doesn’t try to stifle my life.” – J.D.

“Not asking for sex right away.” – C.S.

“Is keen to introduce you to family and friends.” – J.H.

“Genuine apologies.” – C.N.

“When they can take a back seat and acknowledge that you know more than they do on a subject.” – M.S. 

“Unselfish behavior. Humbleness.” – R.L.

“I knew my husband was a keeper when he made no effort to stake his claim on me in public … did not get angry at me for making a mistake … laughed at my off-color sense of humor and didn’t tell me I should not talk that way.” – A. F. 

It may be a cliche but see how he is with dogs, cats and other animals. A friend said she knew he was a keeper when he got on the grass and played with a neighbor’s dog.

Our appreciation to Domestic Shelters for all of the above.

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Abusers. Are they identifiable?

Are any of these behaviors familiar?

Do you think you can change him?

Please reconsider: THE TALE OF ‘PRINCE CHARMING’ 🤴Women are raised to expect a prince charming to sweep them off their feet and carry them into a magical land where they are rich and royal and live happily ever after. As fantasies go, it isn’t bad, but it is completely unrealistic on almost every level. This is beyond the means of 99.99% of men on the planet and yet movies, TV shows and books sell this plot line to women relentlessly. Why? Because it sells. It is a fantasy women want, and when reality doesn’t come close to meeting this fantasy, some women become embittered. Especially when women fall for narcissistic manipulators pretending to be Prince Charming who use those women and cast them aside.

“The most common indicators are low socioeconomic status, underemployment, prior criminal history, abused or witness of abuse as a child, substance abuser, mental disorders and/or an attitude that violence is okay.”

“It is important to realize, however, that not all abusers possess these characteristics and that abusers exist in all strata of society.”

https://www.dohttps://www.domesticshelters.org/resources/statistics/predict

I have met many men like in the above photo who were frustrated with their lives and took their ineptness out on others with violence. This often occurred in pubs or taverns, the workplace and marriages.

These are the men who explode at work and are ordered to take anger management treatment. Some times the therapy works and others it results in confirming their sociopathic personalities.

Photo credit Icons8

Some men strike out at their female partner, frustrated that they should never have married, that they were incompatible from the first date.

Financial strain is a huge trigger for many men, feeling incapable of completing their contribution to household finances. It could be employment loss or extended unemployment and the accompanying feeling of inadequacy.

“Couples who report feeling high levels of financial strain are three and a half times more likely to be involved in domestic violence compared to couples who report feeling low levels of financial strain.”

Many women Google a prospective date to discover what every woman needs to know.

“72% of batterers convicted on a misdemeanor domestic violence charge had a prior criminal arrest history – (59%) felony arrests, (44%) drug possession/sale arrests, (38%) assault arrests, (35%) gun/weapon arrests – averaging 5.5 prior arrests and 4.9 prior convictions.” Nora K. Puffett, Chandra Gavin, “Predictors of Program Outcome & Recidivism at the Bronx Misdemeanor Domestic Violence Court”, Center for Court Innovation, April, 2004.

Read the rest of this invaluable advice from Domesticshelters.com

Of batterers convicted on a misdemeanor domestic violence charge, 31% were arrested again within a year of being released and 44% were arrested again within two years of being released; in both instances the most common re-arrest was for felony assault. Source: Nora K. Puffett, Chandra Gavin, “Predictors of Program Outcome & Recidivism at the Bronx Misdemeanor Domestic Violence Court”, Center for Court Innovation, April, 2004.

56% of men that entered a court-referred batterer treatment program appeared to have alcoholic tendencies and 25% showed evidence of a severe personality disorders (shizotypal, borderline, or paranoid) or major mental disorders such as depression; one-third received previous treatment for mental health or substance abuse. Source: Edward W. Gondolf, EdD, MPH, “Characteristics of Batterers in a Multi-site Evaluation of Batterer Intervention Systems”, Minnesota Center Against Violence and Abuse, 1996.

Of the men in the court-referred batterer treatment program, a substantial number possessed a disposition that did not conform to the common “abusive personality” stereotype, but instead were less pathological with personality traits such as being narcissistic (25%), passive-aggressive (24%), anti-social (19%), and depressive (19%).Source: Edward W. Gondolf, EdD, MPH, “Characteristics of Batterers in a Multi-site Evaluation of Batterer Intervention Systems”, Minnesota Center Against Violence and Abuse, 1996.

Profiles of fathers who abuse extends beyond common characteristics of being hostile, demanding and controlling to include fathers that are emotionally or physically detached from their children and fathers from low-income backgrounds who have fathered children in two or more relationships that ended in infidelity or domestic violence. Source: Katreena Scott, “Parenting Interventions for Men Who Batter,” VAWnet, a project of the National Resource Center on Domestic Violence, June, 2012.

The risk of perpetrating intimate partner violence as an adult is two times greater for those who were abused or witnessed their mother being abused during their own childhood. Source: Charles L. Whitfield, Robert F. Anda, Shanta R. Dube, Vincent L. Felitti, “Violent Childhood Experiences and the Risk of Intimate Partner Violence as an Adult,” Journal of Interpersonal Violence, February, 2003; (166-185).

Intimate partner violence against female partners was two to four times higher among men with alcohol problems than among men without alcohol problems; the factor was two times higher when considering violence against male partners by females with alcohol problems. Source: Caetano, R., Schafer, J., & Cunradi, C. (2001), “Alcohol-related intimate partner violence among white, black, and Hispanic couples in the United States,” Alcohol Research and Health, 2001; 25 (1).

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“10 Reasons Why Most Women Don’t Find A True Gentleman ❤️”

1. THE TALE OF ‘PRINCE CHARMING’ 🤴Women are raised to expect a prince charming to sweep them off their feet and carry them into a magical land where they are rich and royal and live happily ever after. As fantasies go, it isn’t bad, but it is completely unrealistic on almost every level. This is beyond the means of 99.99% of men on the planet and yet movies, TV shows and books sell this plot line to women relentlessly. Why? Because it sells. It is a fantasy women want, and when reality doesn’t come close to meeting this fantasy, some women become embittered. Especially when women fall for narcissistic manipulators pretending to be Prince Charming who use those women and cast them aside.
2. THE IDEA THAT WOMEN NEED RESCUED 👸
Men, on the other hand, are expected to rush to a woman’s aid at the drop of a hat only to be shuffled off into the friend zone. Sometimes a man goes out of his way to help a woman, only to be told, “I don’t need your help, I can do it myself.”
Women have been told for the last fifty years that they are equals and can do anything a man can do. If you want knights back, then ladies have to encourage it. Men know that women are their equals already.

6. Immature male behaviors
What girl doesn’t want to land a guy whose family is loaded? The problem with these guys is that they never earned their own way. They were given the best education, fancy cars and had just about every whim catered to them because their parents were too busy making that fortune they are now enjoying. See, the thing is, he doesn’t know the value of anything because he hasn’t had to earn it, fight for it or struggle through heavy odds to achieve anything. He also doesn’t value you. You are a trophy to him, something he collects, something he will most likely discard once you wreck your body giving him children. That is what you can look forward to, being replaced by a younger model. He does it with his cars; why not with you? After all, you are just another possession to him.

Read the other reasons https://www.powerofpositivity.com/10-reasons-women-dont-find-true-gentleman/?

Thanks to Power of Positivity for this article.

Women complain a lot that chivalry is dead and that there are no true gentlemen left in the world. But, chivalry is a concept from the medieval period that dictated the behavior between two warriors. The code of chivalry only relates to women in that women were a man’s property (either daughter or wife) and what a warrior needed to do so as not to offend his host or liege lord by not taking liberties with the women of the house.
The idea of the gentleman grew out of the aristocracy and the chivalric code when firearms made the knight obsolete. With their purpose (waging war) taken away from them, the aristocracy had to justify their existence and maintain their warlike demeanor even though they were rarely called upon to fight. Out of this grew the idea of personal honor and the willingness to fight at the drop of a hat for any offense, real or perceived. Throw women into the mix, and men were fighting and killing or dying to protect a woman’s honor.
Remember that this time period had very little law and order, and women in particular had very few rights as they were still seen as property. During this time, minstrels were touring Europe and singing ballads about the deeds of chivalrous knights and their romances with (often unavailable) women. These stories were very, very different from the true state of things and were essentially romance novels, songs, and poems of the period.
Well, what does all this history have to do with the modern world? Those same warped ideas about chivalry have been passed down through the generations through stories, books, plays, movies and television. The intersection between this romantic fantasy and the modern world where men and women are equals leads to the ten reasons why most women don’t find a true gentleman.



3. The Pay-to-Play Fallacy

Gentleman should always pay for the date except for when a woman is specifically taking the man out, and that is established before the date commences. But, it is generally understood that the man will pay for everything when on the date, no questions asked. Dinner? Sure. Dancing after? Absolutely. Movie? No problem. After years on the dating scene, gentleman will be able to tell the difference between women who are sincerely interested in a relationship, and those who are using men to subsidize their lifestyles(there are a lot of them these days).
With the proliferation of dating apps, a woman in a reasonably sized city could get a date every night of the week. That is hundreds of dollars a week in free meals and entertainment. A gentleman isn’t stupid. So, these women are left with those men who are just as shallow, materialistic and selfish as they are and complain that chivalry is dead. It isn’t dead. A gentleman isn’t going to be your next sucker either. If you want a nice gentleman, then you have to be a lady in return. Be sincere, gracious and honest with yourself about why you are on that date.

4. Holding out for “the one”

If there is a one for you, they are probably slinging noodles in Shanghai. There are over eight billion people on the planet. The odds that the ONE goes to the same gym as you is beyond ludicrous. So stop using that Mr. Perfect who resides in the matrix of your fantasies to judge all men against. No one can live up to your idea of “THE ONE,” and so the men you go out with will fall short of your totally unrealistic expectations. No one is perfect, not even you.

5. Putting financial security ahead of love.

It is almost a joke that women all want to marry a doctor, lawyer or someone with another high-paying career. See, the thing is, doctors and lawyers are heavily invested in their jobs and have horrible working hours, which means they don’t have time for you or your needs. They can throw cash at you in the form of jewelry, clothes or cars. But, you might find that you are incredibly lonely. Maybe you should have given that sweet history teacher who gave you his coat on a cold night a chance. You might struggle a little more financially, but you might have found a true gentleman who made you happy.

7. The Beauty who looks for her Beast

People don’t really change. If he acts like a beast, it is because he is a beast on the inside as well as the outside, and you are not going to change him. Violence, rage, screaming and abuse are fine in a story on the big screen, but in real life, no one should have to endure that.
Find someone who is gentle with you and treats you like the lady you are. Don’t expect a beast to be anything but a beast.

8. Expecting other people to change

You have been kissing a lot of frogs to find your prince. But, that is not how it works. You shouldn’t go into a relationship already expecting a man to change into something he is not already. Do people change over time? Sure. But don’t expect a man to suddenly change into “THE ONE” (see above) just because you kissed him.

Related article: 20 Things A True Gentleman Does Differently

9. The Tarzan Fallacy

You think that taking some wild man out of his natural habitat, whether that is an African jungle or the concrete jungle, and enlightening him with your civilized ways is a good idea. Then go right ahead, but understand this. He will always be that wild man in his heart. So, if you don’t want a wild animal who swings from the vines and wrestles gorillas, then maybe you need to revisit your motives for wanting to change him. Is it to suit your needs so that he will fit into your world? Or is it because you think you can polish those rough edges? Don’t go into a relationship expecting him to turn into something he isn’t. Either you want him the way he is or you don’t.

10. Looking at the book without opening it

You want a gentleman, great. But, he may not look like what you expect. He may be big, grouchy and intimidating but also the most sweet, caring and affectionate man you have ever met. Don’t judge a book by its cover and you may find your true gentleman where you least expect it. After all gentlemen, like ogres and onions, have layers.
Addiction for happiness?
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Survivors’ Podcasts. Listen!

“10 podcasts that survivors may find helpful, intriguing or empowering. Of course, with all survivor-related narratives, make sure to practice self-care before and during listening, and prepare for possible triggers that may be emotionally challenging. It may help to speak with someone at a domestic violence hotline about how you’re feeling after you listen.”

Listen to a short podcast from a teen survivor https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/im-a-survivor/id1452383423

  1. I’m a SurvivorMost of survivor Misty Chaviers’ podcast episodes are under 20 minutes, perfect for finding inspiration as you commute to work or school. 
  2. Dirty John. Based on the terrifying true-life reporting from the LA Times of an abuser who infiltrated the life of survivor Debra Newell and her daughters. The series was also made into a TV series for Bravo. Don’t worry—Newell and her family make it out alive.
  3. Shatterproof: Thriving After Domestic Abuse. A survivor-created podcast about changing yourself after abuse “from the inside-out.” Creator Mickie Zada interviews survivors about how they reinvented themselves after escaping an abusive partner. 
  4. Spotlight: The Podcast for the Domestic Abuse Sector. Interviews with advocates and experts on important domestic violence issues like support for LGBT survivors and how homelessness and abuse intersect. 
  5. Targeted—True Crime: Domestic Violence. This one may be difficult for some survivors, but fascinating to others. This true crime podcast delves into real life cases of family violence, examining how similar crimes might be prevented in the future.
  6. I, Survivor. Another that may be tough for some survivors to listen to, but this captivating series features inspiring survivors of all types of trauma telling their first-hand stories of perseverance.
  7. PAVE: Professionals Against Violence Podcast. Listen as experts from all corners of the world speak about preventing all types of family violence. Listen to this episode on the Safe Child Act featuring Barry Goldstein, expert advisor for DomesticShelters.org. 
  8. The Practical Feminist. More issue-focused, listen as two women dig into and discuss feminist topics including domestic violence, the #MeToo movement and reproductive rights. 
  9. The Survivor’s Guide to Life. Self-care is so vitally important during and after escaping abuse. Learn how to foster resilience in yourself with this podcast from two life coaches and mentors.
  10. Therapy for Black Girls. Find strength and inspiration from licensed psychologist Dr. Joy Harden Bradford in this popular podcast where she offers strategies for improving your mental health.

Our appreciation to Domestic Shelters for their continuing support and valuable information. https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/identifying-abuse/10-must-hear-podcasts-on-domestic-violence

My students begin every training session with Donna Summers. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cI3yG1NfFro

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Holiday office parties. How to attend without being sued or arrested.

Too often employees feel the need to change their office behavior at a holiday party. Doing so has lead to divorces, being fired and law suites.

Don’t become a statistic. You can attend the party, make your presence known, don’t consume alcohol and leave after thirty minutes.

“Employees of all levels of seniority and experience can take a company holiday party as license to relax standards of professional behavior. With the holiday season approaching, employees and employers should keep certain points in mind that can help prevent or address sexual harassment or other inappropriate conduct that occurs all-too-often at events that should be considered an extension of the workplace. “

Sexual Harassment – Still Not Allowed Away From the Office. Many people do not realize that sexual harassment may give rise to legal claims even if it is committed outside the office, by non-employees (such as clients, vendors and the friends or family of other employees), or when employees are “off the clock.” Employers should ensure that employees are aware of the fact that workplace standards of conduct still apply at company events and parties, and should redistribute the company’s policy against harassment and code of conduct in advance of such occasions. Employees also should dress appropriately and consistent with workplace standards of dress at company events – simply because an event is a party or away from the office does not mean that anything goes.

Don’t sacrifice your dignity and pride to make everyone, or anyone happy either at an office party of at the office.

Report and Respond To Inappropriate Conduct. Employees who experience or witness inappropriate or unlawful conduct should report the conduct promptly and review the company’s complaint policy and procedure. Supervisory employees should be made aware that they must set a good example at company events, monitor alcohol consumption, and should report any inappropriate or dangerous conduct to higher management and/or Human Resources immediately (and intervene themselves when necessary). As with all employee complaints, the employer should conduct an investigation and take remedial or disciplinary action where appropriate. Retaliation against an employee who reports unlawful sexual harassment is prohibited by law, and the employee should consult an attorney in the event this occurs.

Thank you Wigdoor Law for these helpful suggestions. https://www.wigdorlaw.com/company-holiday-party-legal-hangover/

Men. Some men. Are evaluating their workplace relationships with women and questioning whether they might have acted inappropriately.

“It has been a confusing season for America’s working men, as the conversation around workplace harassment reveals it to be a nationwide epidemic — and many men wonder if they were involved or ignored the signs. “

“Across white-collar workplaces, rank-and-file men are awakening to the prevalence of sexual harassment and assault after high-profile cases including those of Harvey Weinstein, Mark Halperin and Louis C.K. Those cases helped inspire the #MeToo campaign, in which thousands of women have posted about their own harassment experiences on social media. Now many men who like to think they treat women as equals in the workplace are starting to look back at their own behavior and are wondering if they, too, have overstepped at work — in overt or subtle ways that would get them included in a #MeToo post. “

“Some (men) said they planned to be a lot more careful in interacting with women because they felt that the line between friendliness and sexual harassment was too easy to cross. Others are struggling to reconcile how these behaviors could happen even among men who believe in equal rights.”

Reaction when you tell her.

Our thanks to the New York Times for this valuable information. https://www.nytimes.com/2017/11/10/business/men-at-work-wonder-sexual-harassment.html

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Warning other women. Would you?

“After leaving an abusive relationship would you tell his new partner of his abusive character?

The problem is always whether she will believe you. We have all heard comments by the “Other Woman” putting down the former female saying he is such a wonderful guy, it had to be all her fault.

Even If You Tell, Will They Believe You?

After escaping abuse, many survivors may find themselves questioning what obligation they have, if any, to warn potential future partners of the ex they just left. Survivors may feel guilty if they never reported or pressed charges for the abuse, for not leaving a trail of red flag breadcrumbs for new partners to see. 

But even if a survivor does try to warn a new partner, they may not be met with gratitude.”

“As much as I would like to be able to warn other women, many abusers are gaslighters. They invalidate anything we might say by telling new girlfriends that their ex is a crazed stalker,” says survivor Amy*, who shared the heartbreaking story with us in April of giving up her son in order to keep him safe from an abuser.  “

“Plus, she says, echoing Amy’s sentiments, “No one who is falling in love with an abuser believes what the ex has to say. Just like I wouldn’t have believed one of his exes if they’d come to me.”

Every one of my defensive tactics students can attest to the above. Sadly their abusers bad-mouth the survivors around town which leads the women to move.

Warning Puts a Target on the Survivor’s Back

“Advocates caution that survivors who sound a warning bell also risk facing retribution from a vindictive abuser.”

This is always a potential problem. Do you put safety and possibly that of your children to warn the next woman? Vindictive abusers often take out their revenge on children.

What about having a friend tell the next woman?

Our appreciation to Domestic Shelters for this valuable information. We encourage all readers to share. https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/after-abuse/the-next-in-line-for-abuse

Posted in Domestic Abuse | 1 Comment

Shelter Safe Canada

We are reposting this valuable information to couple with the previous post on Surviving the Holidays.

Any time, day or night, there is someone to whom you can reach out.

SHELTER SAFE CANADA HOME PAGE https://www.sheltersafe.ca/

Women helping women at the shelter
Thanks to Tim Gouw Photography

Shelter Safe is an interactive site. Just click on your province or territory and follow the prompts. There is a Shelter near you. Make the call if you are being abused.

HOW CAN SHELTERS HELP ME?

If you want support, information or referrals you can call a shelter just to talk. Most shelters on this site have staff available 24 hours, 7 days per week to answer your call. Click on the shelters located in the area you wish to find help.

Shelter workers will work with you to design supports specific to your unique needs. They will maintain confidentiality and advocate for you in the complex web of services you may need to access.

WHAT IS AN EMERGENCY SHELTER/ TRANSITION HOUSE?

It is a safe and welcoming home that accommodates women and their children when they are fleeing violence. Shelter addresses are kept confidential so that women (and children) cannot be found. You can generally stay in these homes for up to 30 days and sometimes longer. There are no charges for you to stay there.

Shelters provide women fleeing violence with the critical support services that will help them make their transition to a life free of abuse. Shelter workers liaise with a number of providers in the community to help women and their children and ensure that they have counseling support and health care.

Staff and volunteers at shelters are there to listen, to offer you emotional support, information and referrals to other services you may need such as legal, financial, medical and housing. In many homes, staff will help you with transportation to appointments and will ensure that children get to school. The women residents generally share household tasks and cooking.

WHAT IS SECOND-STAGE HOUSING?

Second-stage houses provide short-term, safe, affordable, supportive and independent housing and some services similar to those provided in shelters/transition houses. Women and their children can usually stay at a Second Stage House for 6 months to a year in furnished units. Rent is geared to your income and there are generally no costs for the programs offered by the second stage house.

It is a safe and welcoming home that accommodates women and their children when they are fleeing violence. Shelter addresses are kept confidential so that women (and children) cannot be found. You can generally stay in these homes for up to 30 days and sometimes longer. There are no charges for you to stay there.

Shelters provide women fleeing violence with the critical support services that will help them make their transition to a life free of abuse. Shelter workers liaise with a number of providers in the community to help women and their children and ensure that they have counseling support and health care.

Staff and volunteers at shelters are there to listen, to offer you emotional support, information and referrals to other services you may need such as legal, financial, medical and housing. In many homes, staff will help you with transportation to appointments and will ensure that children get to school. The women residents generally share household tasks and cooking.

Thank you ShelterSafe for this invaluable information.

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Holidays; Surviving & thriving.

The holidays can be a time of increased stress with abusers taking that out on their partner. For those who succeeded in leaving and have shared custody, it can be disquieting to deal with timing and logistics. Gift buying can swing from joy to frustration or even anger as you try to prepare for your ex purchasing expensive gifts to influence the children.

Listen to Stevie Wonder and Andra Day sing, “Someday at Christmas” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MaA7B9cu4kU

“This year, as you hang the twinkling lights and decorate your mantel with sprigs of holly, remember that no The holidays can be a time of increased stress with abusers taking that out on their partner. For those who succeeded in leaving and have shared custody, it can be disquieting to deal with timing and logistics. Gift buying can swing from joy to frustration or even anger as you try to prepare for your ex purchasing expensive gifts to influence the children. https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/true-survivor-stories/survivor-brianne-i-d-finally-had-enough

“Not everyone has gotten the message that it’s a season of peace. Unfortunately, the holidays can be an even more dangerous time than normal for those at risk for domestic violence. “

Statistics reveal that many communities experience a drop in the number of calls for domestic abuse assistance. Counsellors do not believe incidents of abuse decline during holidays, but rather, “…survivors don’t want to disturb family cohesiveness on these days, or can’t find a private time to make a call for support, advocates say the decline in calls isn’t necessarily an indication that violence ceases on these days .”

If you need help but can’t find privacy at home to make the call , consider going to a neighbor or friend. Take the children and the other adults will entertain them while you make the call from a bedroom. When speaking with a counsellor, make a concrete plan for change, whether that is to seek joint counselling or leave. If conducting the call on your cell, make sure you erase the call history when you are done.

Remember, this is about you and your children. Don’t digress by bad-mouthing your abuser. Keep the conversation positive in that you are seeking help for change. ” “It’s also important to remember that friends and family should take precautions to make sure they remain safe. Sometimes when word gets back to the abuser that a friend or family member is offering advice or asking questions about the abuse, they could be putting themselves in danger.”

I can attest to that last paragraph. I have sheltered numerous women who came to my home for help, made the call, then were transported to a Safe House. When their abusers discovered I was their target’s conduit, they sought retribution against me. All had to be intoxicated to bolster their courage to confront me. Fortunately for them, they were able to think past the alcohol and left my doorstep before they regretted their actions.

But every supporter is not capable of the above, so your friends need to be vigilant and call the police at the first sign of trouble. I can also attest to the reality that abusers can go from calm to violence in seconds. Neither you nor your friends can allow that to occur.

Our appreciation to Domestic Shelters for their advice.

https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/identifying-abuse/domestic-violence-doesn-t-take-a-holiday

Domestic Shelters has a CHAT line at the bottom right hand corner of the above site.

“After a decade of control, yelling and terror, this strong mama packed a bag and never looked back.”

“The abuse I endured spanned 10 years. It was primarily mental, emotional and financial, but it was abuse nonetheless. I’ve repressed a lot of memories from that time. But there are still a lot of instances that I remember vividly, particularly in the last couple of years leading up to my escape. “

RED FLAGS

Why would you date a man who demonstrates his immaturity?

“The house was solely in my name, because his credit was shot. He told me his debt was from charging his ex-girlfriend’s college to his credit cards .”

The first of the long list of lies. LEAVE AT THE FIRST LIE. https://www.jonathanmccormick.com/its-worth-the-read-women-in-their-40s-give-advice-to-their-20-something-selves/

She ignored the signs and “I was fired from at least three or four jobs while we were together because he would constantly break up with me and I would be so distraught that I would miss work, or I would be so distracted all the time that my performance suffered.”

She discovered he had a three year old daughter.

“Finally, I knew I needed to leave for good. My abuser had crippled me financially, ruined my credit and let my house go back to the bank. He had strained my relationship with my parents so much I was worried that they wouldn’t be willing to help me if I left. “

https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/true-survivor-stories/survivor-brianne-i-d-finally-had-enough

Our appreciation for this valuable information and support from Domestic Shelters.

Posted in Holidays for survivors | 1 Comment

Morning rituals

Do you begin your mornings already behind schedule?

Our appreciation to Anthony Tran for the photo @anthonytran

If you do, then you are a member of a growing group who have lost the ability to budget their time and control their destiny.

Here are some suggestions to retake control of your life and ease your stress load in the process.

HERE ARE 8 MORNING HABITS THAT SIMPLIFY YOUR LIFE:

1.    FIGURE OUT WHAT YOU’LL BE EATING AND DRINKING

The process of making food and drinks every morning can be a little time-consuming, leading to a lot of chaos as you attempt to get everything ready. If you’ve already figured out what you’ll be consuming, the process will be significantly slowed down. Here’s how to do so:

·         MAKE COFFEE QUICKLY

Many of us can’t fully wake up without a cup of coffee, but try making the preparation process faster. Try purchasing a coffee pot that has a timer. This will let you set things up in the evening. You can also buy a pot that lets you pre-load pods. If you’re not too much of a coffee “purist,” you can even opt for pre-made or bottled options!

·         PREP MEALS FO SIMPLIFY YOUR LIFE

Making breakfast early in the morning can take up a lot of time. This can make you skip breakfast on some days, which is a very bad idea. Eating breakfast provides countless positive benefits.

As such, you should try to prepare your breakfast the night before, so you can easily eat the next day. This also allows you to make a healthier breakfast. If it’s something you have to make fresh, lay out all the ingredients beforehand.

The same goes for packed lunches. If you bring your lunch to work with you, try to prep your meals in advance. That way, you can just grab your lunch and go.

·         SORT OUT ANY MEDICATIONS

If you take supplements and medications, make sure they’re all sorted out and arranged, ready for quick and easy taking. Put them near where you’ll eat breakfast so you can take them before or after as needed. You can also purchase a pill sorter to keep things extra organized.

2.    WAKE YOURSELF UP RIGHT

The process of waking up itself can be a bit of a challenge. For many people. Here’s how to get it done the right way:

·         LET THE SUN IN

Natural light can trigger the hormones in your brain, helping you to wake up more easily. So once you get up, let the light stream in. If you tend to wake up right at sunrise, consider leaving the curtain open when you go to bed, so you wake up to the sun streaming in.

·         DON’T HIT SNOOZE

It’s so tempting to press that snooze button when your alarm goes off. But doing so only delays your waking up, giving you less time to get ready. It also means you’re actually more likely to be groggy by squeezing in five or ten more minutes to your sleep time.

So, set your alarm for the exact right time, and the second it rings, hit the off switch right away and get right up. If you can’t resist hitting snooze, put your alarm somewhere further away, forcing you to stand up and walk to switch it off.

·         PLAY SOME MUSIC

When you get up, turn on some of your favorite cheerful tunes. You can play an album you love or make a playlist of appropriate songs. If it makes you want to dance or makes you feel good, it’ll probably help wake you up!

3.    PREPARE THINGS THAT YOU MAY FORGET

Do you often find yourself forgetting the things that you need? All you have to do is get things ready in advance! If you make sure all the things you usually forget are easy to reach, you won’t have to spend ages looking for them, coming back for them, or finding alternatives to them. Here are some ideas:

  • Organize everything you need and place it in one specific area the night before
  • Keep your keys right by the door; make it a habit not to bring them into the house
  • Pack your car with non-perishable items in advance
  • Narrow down the list of things you have to bring every day
  • See if there are some things you can safely leave in your workplace

4.    DON’T BE DISTRACTED BY POOR MORNING HABITS

Do you get on your phone the moment you wake up? This can eat up your time and prevent you from getting things done on time. Time passes so quickly when you’re on devices. Before you even turn on your phone or look through it, make sure you’ve bathed, dressed, and gotten totally ready.

Some people like to look at their phone, watch TV, or listen to podcasts or the radio when they eat breakfast. But this can draw out your time spent eating, too. Even reading a book or the newspaper can do this. Don’t eat while distracted! (Side note: This should fall not only on your morning habits list but become a practice for every meal.)

If you really need to check your phone in the morning, get everything else done first and set aside some time before you leave to do so. Both your schedule and your waistline will thank you for the positive change!

5.    SHORTEN YOUR GETTING READY PROCESS

Bathing, grooming, and getting dressed can take up a lot of time. This is especially true if you have an extensive skincare routine, you style your hair, or you wear makeup. But you can shorten the process of getting ready in a number of ways. Here’s how:

·         USE A TIMER WHILE SHOWERING

Don’t take too long in the shower! Set a timer so that you know how long you can take. As soon as the timer runs out, wash off the remaining soap and hop out!

·         WASH YOUR HAIR THE DAY BEFORE

If you have long hair, washing your hair in the evening can be a good way to spend less time preparing it in the morning. This is especially true if you usually have to blow-dry your hair or if you style it. There are some styles you can even wear to bed, so you don’t need to bother with them when you wake up!

·         SET OUT YOUR CLOTHES THE NIGHT BEFORE

Instead of rushing to put an outfit together, set aside your outfit for the day the night before. If you’ve got enough clothes, you can even lay out an entire week’s worth of outfits in advance, perhaps with an extra outfit just in case.

·         KEEP YOUR GROOMING PRODUCTS ORGANIZED TO SIMPLIFY YOUR LIFE

Don’t make yourself look all around your room for your skincare, makeup, or hair products. Make sure they’re all organized in one convenient location.

·         LESSEN THE PRODUCTS YOU USE

Cut out unnecessary products from your routine. Your everyday workplace probably doesn’t require that you wear full-glam makeup or have perfectly gelled hair. You can also opt for combination products to lessen your time. Get a lipstick that can also be used as a blush product. Get a bronzer and highlight stick in one. Make your soap moisturizing. Get creative with it!

6.    DRAFT OUT A SCHEDULE OR LIST

Is there any easier way to simplify life than by creating a list or a schedule? If there is, we haven’t found it yet! Here are some options:

·         MAKE A LIST OF ITEMS YOU NEED

Tend to forget things? Set up a list of what you have to get done, what you need to bring, and more. Hang the list somewhere you can easily see it. A whiteboard that you can turn into a reusable checklist is a great idea, too. Plus, the brain reacts in a very positive way to lists, allowing for less stress.

·         MAKE A MORNING SCHEDULE

Make a schedule of when you need to get certain things done. For example, maybe you need to finish your bath by a certain time or get done eating at a certain time. This schedule can keep you on task and on time as your new morning habits become second nature.

·         SET YOUR DAILY ACTIVITIES TO SONGS OR TIMERS

Having trouble sticking to the aforementioned morning schedule? Set timers that go off at the right time. If that’s too rigid, play a song playlist every day and set your schedule to each song. For example, you may know that by the time you hit song five, you should be dressed and groomed.

·         MAKE A SCHEDULE FOR BATHROOM USE IN BUSY HOMES

In a home with lots of inhabitants? Set up a morning schedule for bathroom use so that everyone can take turns. If someone misses their bathroom break, they’ll have to wait for it to be free again.

·         MAKE DIFFERENT ROUTINES FOR DIFFERENT MORNINGS IF NEEDED

Do you have different to-do lists every day? Create weekly routines instead of daily ones. This allows you to stay organized while still being flexible and accounting for the different needs of different days.

7.    KEEP YOUR HALLWAY CLEAR

Is your hallway a giant mess? That can make it very difficult to get out. Here’s an often-overlooked way to simplify your life. Make sure your hallway is relatively organized, and get rid of unnecessary surfaces – like chairs that you dump lots of items on, a table full of unopened mail, shopping bags that never seem to move.

You should also make sure your hallway is season-appropriate. Put away winter coats and shoes in warm months. Remove flip-flops and sunhats in cold months. Anything you don’t need, put away!

8.    GIVE YOURSELF A LITTLE BREATHING ROOM

If your schedule is so well-orchestrated that if you don’t leave at the right time exactly, you’ll be in big trouble, it’s a bad schedule. Give yourself some breathing room and extra time. If you end up not needing it, great! Then you gave more time to do something you want to do.

Preparing for potential mishaps, emergencies, and setbacks is crucial to making sure your life is simplified. It can also reduce stress, giving you a great positive thinking boost for the day.

9. Don’t allow your family to deter your desire to organize your life. Get them on board and revamp the family chaos.

FINAL THOUGHTS: ADOPT THESE MORNING HABITS, YOU’LL BE BETTER OFF FOR IT!

Is your life pretty messy? These eight morning habits that simplify your life can really help reduce the chaos? Give these morning habits a chance, and you will enjoy a more relaxed and calm morning, which will set the tone for a more peaceful and organized day!

Our thanks to https://www.powerofpositivity.com/morning-habits-simplify-your-life/ for these helpful tips.

Posted in Female role models, Happy living, Mental Health | Leave a comment

Social Media Safety

Social media can be a lifeline for survivors.

“Survivors, especially, can find this online support instrumental in helping them navigate escaping and healing from an abusive partner. In fact, the DomesticShelters.org Facebook page has experienced more than 1 million likes, comments, shares and clicks since the outset in 2014.” 

But, it can be dangerous if you are not cognizant of the various threats lurking in the shadows. In America alone, “Some 7.5 million people in the U.S. are victims of stalking each year.”

“With this gift of connectivity comes some danger, too. Not everyone uses social media to share cute kid photos, crockpot recipes or their daily workout. Abusers can, and have, used social media as a way to stalk, harass and manipulate survivors. If you’re trying to escape an abuser or have already escaped and are trying to eradicate them from your life, you’ll want to be careful how open you are online.”

This is what can happen…to anyone. This is information about a stalker.

“His obsession is unnerving. My name is on his website over 3,000 times. He has posted over 30 images of me, uses misogynist language and has posted hundreds of conspiracy theories about me over hundreds of websites. He takes screenshots of my social media activity within minutes of anything I post, despite my having blocked him, and reports every single post just to try to prevent my speech.”

Our appreciation to Brooke Cagle@brookecagle for the photo.

Here are eight smart and easy safety measures from Domestic Shelters for whom we thank profusely for the advice.

How to Make Your Social Media Less … Social 

Obviously, the safest way to stay hidden from an abuser is to stay off the Internet, but what kind of life is that? We get it: You want to be on social media, but you don’t want to put a target on yourself for stalkers or your abuser. Below, some ways to stay safe while still having an online presence. 

  •    Keep photos vague. Never post photos that show the location of your home or office. Prause says she posts a fake address for her work and never posts about her home neighborhood. If you want to post photos say, of your Disneyland vacation – an easily recognizable spot – wait until after you’ve left that place. 
  •    Turn off geotagging. When we take photos with our phone, metadata is embedded in the photograph with details including the date, time and exact location of where it was taken. Our phones are automatically set to have geolocation turned on and a lot of people don’t realize this. When we post the photo, a savvy enough person can access this geotag and find us. See details for how to turn off geotagging in “High-Tech Stalking Tactics.
  •    Keep It Private. Make your security settings on social media are set to private. Require permission for people to follow you or add you as a friend. Only those in your trusted circle should be able to see that photo of your kids.
  •    Promote a business, not yourself. You might have to make a public profile if you have a business that needs an online presence. In that case, make sure your business is the focus, not you. Keep the business address private (secure a P.O. Box instead of listing a street address) and create an email address that doesn’t include your name. Keep your name and personal information off the page and don’t hesitate to use a plural “We” when talking about your company or product, even if you’re the sole employee. It will be less alluring for a stalker to harass an entire company than one person.
  •    Don’t overshare. On that note, posting an inspirational meme might be a better call than posting family pics. Make sure that what you post doesn’t include identifying information, like your children’s names or the school they attend, the church you go to or where you and your best friend have brunch every Saturday. 
  •    Pick a vague nickname. If you’re on a dating or other social app, pick a nickname that’s vague, not a spin-off of your real name or exact location. Same thing if you’re leaving comments on a message board or blog. Instead of “AndreainHouston” choose something like “TexasMom29.”
  •    Switch it up. After you have your vague nickname, don’t use it on more than one site. It’s harder to track you if you keep your usernames different from site to site. Same with passwords—don’t repeat a password on more than one site.
  •    Be selective. It’s up to you how much or little to interact on social media. Just because someone messages you, especially if you don’t know them, doesn’t mean you need to “be polite” and message them back. You don’t have to respond to a comment or feel the need to comment on every friend’s post. Trust your gut and be cautiously suspicious of online interactions.

Suspect you being stalked? Read “If You’re Being Stalked” for tips on what actions to take next.

https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/technology/8-tips-for-social-media-safety

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DO NOT TOUCH!

Why is this concept so difficult for some men to understand?

Maybe if more women behaved as did Daisy in this reenactment, they would either learn or become a frequent patient at the hospital.

ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.

“He sat on my chest with his knees on my arms and beat my face with his fists.”

Posted in Sexual Assault/Harassment | Tagged , , | 1 Comment

Where is the best place to live for women?

Which countries are the best places for women to live?”Norway & Switzerland”

“Rounding out the top of the list were Finland, Denmark, Iceland, Austria, the United Kingdom, Luxembourg, Sweden and the Netherlands, which tied for ninth place.”

Photo by Evelyn Mostrom 

Domestic Violence remains a major issue in most countries.

What is Domestic Violence exactly? The following link will shed light on that question.

https://www.jonathanmccormick.com/what-is-domestic-violence/

The 2019 Women, Peace and Security Index placed Canada in the 11th spot, below the Netherlands and Sweden. Canada placed seventh on the list in 2018.

The ranking system is put together by Georgetown University’s Institute for Women, Peace and Security, in partnership with the Peace Research Institute of Oslo, and weighs variables such as access to bank accounts, jobs and security.

Researchers found Norway and Switzerland are the best countries to be a woman, and Yemen and Afghanistan are the worst. 

However, their findings also show that the state of women’s rights is not “all doom and gloom” around the world.

While life for women has deteriorated in Yemen and other war-torn nations, it has improved in some 60 countries.

The researchers looked at 167 countries since 2017, when the first Women, Peace and Security Index was compiled.

Read the rest of the data on how countries were ranked. https://www.cbc.ca/news/world/women-global-quality-of-life-ranking-1.5330967

Our appreciation to CBC for this valuable information.

Posted in Women's Rights | Tagged | 1 Comment

Housing for survivors. Steven Tyler Aerosmith

Thank you Steven! We all know you have a fabulous voice and now you have shared your heart.

“In February of 2019, Aerosmith’s Steven Tyler celebrated a momentous occasion when he cut the “scarf” to Janie’s House – a home for women and girls who have been abused or neglected.”

https://ronproject.com/aerosmith-steven-tyler-opens-home-abused-women/

“With the $500,000 that Tyler, 70, donated, the Youth Villages organization was able to renovate a Memphis-area home for the cause. Youth Villages is a national foundation that assists children and helps them cope with mental, behavioral, and emotional problems.”

Abuse and neglect at a young age can have lifelong, devastating consequences for its survivors, according to Child Welfare.


Children. Happy

Sometimes the effects of abuse can range from low self-esteem and depression to feelings of isolation, inability to trust others, and difficulties with relationships. Another staggering statistic is the fact that one in four girls will be sexually abused before they reach the age of 18.

Janie’s Fund was created to help bring awareness to this issue and to help provide financial support to “ensure that girls receive the most effective services available to help them overcome the trauma and pain of abuse,” the foundation’s website says.

Thank you Shareably Media Network for this incredibly uplifting story and support.

Posted in Domestic Abuse | Tagged | Leave a comment

STRONG WOMEN

HERE ARE 5 TELLTALE SIGNS OF A STRONG WOMAN:

“The world needs strong women; women who will lift & build others, who will love & be loved, women who live bravely, both tender & fierce; women of indomitable will.” – Amy Tenney

1. SHE RESPECTS HERSELF AND OTHERS.

A strong woman respects herself enough to not get treated like a doormat, and she gives that same respect to others. She knows that everyone deserves to have a voice and be heard; she expects people to give her that same courtesy. Rather than getting upset when people don’t treat her as she would like to get treated, however, she simply becomes the bigger person and kills them with kindness.

It takes a lot of maturity for a person to stand tall and not let the behavior of other people drag them down. The strong woman continues to surprise people with her wisdom and humility. She strikes the right balance between arrogance and low self-esteem, because she demands respect but doesn’t have a superiority complex about her.

In other words, she treats everyone as her equal and expects the same from others.

Her parents raised her to treat the janitor the same as the CEO, and this lesson carried over into her adult life. We can learn a lot about how to treat people from a strong woman.

2. SHE’S INDEPENDENT.

She doesn’t need any man or woman to help her get through life. She’d rather do things on her own than have others disappoint her, anyway. She has high standards for herself. You’ll find her constantly crossing goals and achievements off her list, because she doesn’t want to look back on her life with regrets.

However, this independent streak can get her into trouble sometimes. In an article on Psychology Today, Marcia Reynolds, a leadership coach and holder of a doctorate in psychology, says, “We strong women often feel we need to tough it out on our own. We forget to give others the gift of letting them help us.”

Strong women have often been raised with the “winner’s mentality,” meaning that their parents see them as high achievers who can accomplish a great deal on their own. They have been bred for greatness, which makes it hard for strong women to allow others to help them. They don’t really think they need help, which can lead to them taking on more than they can handle.

Independence is a double-edged sword in that way. If you’re a strong woman, try to see the benefit of allowing yourself to need others, too.

3. SHE KNOWS HOW TO CONTROL HER EMOTIONS.

A strong woman knows the power of her mind and doesn’t allow it to control her life. She masters her emotions and doesn’t let them govern her. This woman knows emotions change constantly, just like the weather, so she doesn’t see much value in dwelling on situations or feelings. She allows herself to feel the emotion and then moves on.

On another note, she doesn’t allow people or events to dictate how she feels, either. Instead of letting others control her energy, she puts her own energy out into the world. She leaves a lasting imprint on other people because she knows exactly what she wants to bring to the table in any given situation. She doesn’t allow fear or doubts to control her energy, because she knows that these emotions won’t allow her to achieve the desired result.

She sees life much like a game. To win, the strong woman knows that she must bring her best self to the table at all times. She puts on a brave face and conquers whatever stands in her path, and does so with a balanced, controlled state of mind.

4. A STRONG WOMAN TAKES RISKS.

The strong woman knows when to push her luck and when to fold. She knows that life requires us to push ourselves if we want to grow and learn; staying stuck in fear will only breed complacency. She takes risks in order to become better-rounded and test her limitations. This woman knows that a lot of our boundaries can be crossed if we jump the mental hurdles first.

As kids, we believe we can do anything because our parents and teachers tell us we can. We don’t have any fear because the world’s programming hasn’t affected us yet. If we fall down and get hurt as a child, we don’t fixate on the event and allow it to grow into a fear. We simply face our fear over and over until we have learned to master it. Kids remain in the present moment because they have open minds. They want to absorb everything life can teach them.

Then, as we grow up, we start to put up walls and tell ourselves we can’t do certain things. We form an image of ourselves in our heads that becomes our identity. After a while, we become fixed. We don’t believe we can bend and mold ourselves into something new. However, the strong woman breaks this cycle often. She pushes herself to do new things so that her identity and self-image don’t solidify. She doesn’t allow fear to control her because she knows that she can’t learn unless she’s in a calm, confident state of mind.

5. SHE TRIES TO REMAIN POSITIVE.

Positive thinking stays in the forefront of her mind, because she knows that she can’t live a positive life with a negative view of the world. A strong woman knows that positivity can change one’s life; it can take them from the depths of despair to the highest altitudes of joy. It can shift their perspective and help them make the best of any situation.

Therefore, the strong woman utilizes the power of positive thinking in her daily life. She doesn’t let the clouds block her sunshine; she instead becomes the source of light. For example, if she lost her job recently, she doesn’t let negative thinking trick her into believing that she will never find another job. Instead, she looks at the positives.

Maybe she’d be better off without that job. Maybe she wasn’t loving it as much as she thought she did. She looks toward the future and believes that she’ll find something better. By putting out that energy, she knows she’ll have a much better chance of turning her thoughts into reality.

This woman doesn’t fixate on the problems; she focuses on solutions instead. The strong woman looks at what she can do to better her situation, such as looking up jobs and calling on her support network to see if they can help her out.

OTHER KEY TRAITS OF A STRONG WOMAN

She knows what she wants out of life and isn’t afraid to go after it.

A strong woman likes to be in control, but knows when it’s someone else’s time to shine.

She’s creative and uses her imagination to create her reality.

They don’t like drama or gossip and steer clear of people who engage in these shallow behaviors.

They don’t sugarcoat anything. They tell it like it is and expect other people to do the same.

Strong women take care of their health and happiness and don’t expect others to do it for them.

They need a lot of time to recharge their energy since they use so much of it on a daily basis.

A strong woman surrounds herself with positive, empowered people. She doesn’t mesh well with negative people.

They constantly want to learn new things and test their limits.

They have an open mind and believe they can do anything in life.

She doesn’t let anyone manipulate her. She knows her worth and doesn’t believe in keeping her mouth shut just so she doesn’t rock the boat.

FINAL THOUGHTS ON SIGNS OF A STRONG WOMAN

Strong women are special people who make big changes in this world. They have a vision and don’t stop until their dreams become reality. To them, life is too short to shrink down into a lesser version of themselves. They rise up and meet themselves so they can become the person they were meant to be. A strong woman will shake this world to its core and make a permanent imprint on the universe.

Our thanks to Power of Positivity http://r.email-powerofpositivity.com/mk/mr/O6cBaFbmjfC02QNKBoKkl56JTCL2p1qesRA-Coay8TZ0kfq8dl0btlSVK8l719MKdFJyBRUY1O9fWDv-dhFl1rj8tDsNRBq_jqUHmsfutEG68v3MYE42RQ

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Domestic Abuse. Do you know?

Those who have never experienced the trauma of physical and/or mental manipulation and violence may not be able to grasp the magnitude.

Safe Haven

Here is a story of a woman who escapes only to find her abuser tracks her down in an attempt to kill her.

Viewing the film and perusing the attached link explaining domestic abuse may help readers understand and reach out to those in need.

When a mysterious young woman named Katie appears in the small North Carolina town of Southport, her sudden arrival raises questions about her past. Beautiful yet self-effacing, Katie seems determined to avoid forming personal ties until a series of events draws her into two reluctant relationships: one with Alex, a widowed store owner with a kind heart and two young children; and another with her plainspoken single neighbor, Jo. Despite her reservations, Katie slowly begins to let down her guard, putting down roots in the close-knit community and becoming increasingly attached to Alex and his family. But even as Katie begins to fall in love, she struggles with the dark secret that still haunts and terrifies her . . . a past that set her on a fearful, shattering journey across the country, to the sheltered oasis of Southport. With Jo’s empathic and stubborn support, Katie eventually realizes that she must choose between a life of transient safety and one of riskier rewards . . . and … Written by Nicholas Sparks

Safe Haven

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p4vhm3_-3VM

Rent or purchase. Unfortunately we can’t purchase the video and upload it here. https://www.imdb.com/title/tt1702439/

Read more about Domestic Abuse from Domestic Shelters and other resources to which you can refer. https://www.jonathanmccormick.com/what-is-domestic-violence/

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Paid leave for sexual and domestic assault survivors

British Columbia catching up under the New Democrat Party

“B.C. and Alberta are the only provinces that don’t offer paid leaves from work for domestic and sexual violence victims.”

“I remember when I was an employer of about 20 professional people just a few years ago, when one of my team members came to me on a Monday morning and told me that she had been raped on the weekend. Someone had put the rape drug in her drink on the weekend. She wasn’t able to be productive at work, she needed time away,” Dean says.

The province is asking you to participate in a survey to assist in their decision making process.

Paid Leave for Domestic and Sexual Violence

The following short survey will help government to better understand the preferences of British Columbians on these important questions and decide whether any changes to the leave provisions should be made.  To help you answer the following questions, it’s helpful to know that “domestic or sexual violence” is defined in the Employment Standards Act (the act that sets the rules for how employers and employees must treat each other) as including: 

  • physical abuse by an intimate partner or by a family member, including forced confinement or denial of the necessities of life;
  • sexual abuse by any person;
  • attempts to commit physical abuse by an intimate partner or by a family member, or sexual abuse by any person; 
  • psychological or emotional abuse by an intimate partner or by a family member, including: 
    • intimidation, harassment, coercion or threats, including threats respecting other persons, pets or property
    • unreasonable restrictions on, or prevention of, financial or personal autonomy 
    • stalking or following, and 
    • intentional damage to property.

Enter the survey link here

Posted in Domestic Abuse, Sexual assault survivors, Sexual Assault/Harassment, Survivors | Tagged , , , , | Leave a comment

Survivors’ Stories from Domestic Shelters

Laura Bates, “Girl UP”

“Already an international bestseller, this empowering survival guide provides no-nonsense advice on sex, social media, mental health, and sexism that young women face in their everyday life from one of the emerging leaders in the feminist movement.”

Lexie Bean. Letters from Survivors

“Written by and for trans and non-binary survivors of domestic violence and sexual assault, Written on the Body offers support, guidance and hope for those who struggle to find safety at home, in the body, and other unwelcoming places.”

Rachel Louise Snyder “No Visible Bruises”

“In No Visible Bruises, journalist Rachel Louise Snyder gives context for what we don’t know we’re seeing. She frames this urgent and immersive account of the scale of domestic violence in our country around key stories that explode the common myths-that if things were bad enough, victims would just leave; that a violent person cannot become nonviolent…”

Leslie Morgan Steiner “Crazy Love”

“At 22, Leslie Morgan Steiner seemed to have it all: good looks, a Harvard diploma, a glamorous job in New York City. Plus a handsome, funny boyfriend who adored her. But behind her facade of success, this golden girl hid a dark secret. She’d made a mistake shared by millions: she fell in love with the wrong person.At first, Leslie and Conor seemed perfect together.”

Read more about these books, their authors and where to locate them from Domestic Shelters here.

Domestic Violence FAQs

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STOP THE VIOLENCE

Teenage dancers perform a Travis Wall choreographed routine which highlights the tragedy of the violence we inflict upon our fellow humans daily.

Why is that teenagers know this for a fact and some adults don’t get it?

“Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has.” Margaret Mead 

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MOM MET HIM THE NIGHT BEFORE. HE’S IN THE KITCHEN

“She met him the night before at the bowling alley, brought him home and slept with him while my siblings and I slept in the next bedroom.

She knew nothing about him and yet he slept over. The next morning I met a stranger in our kitchen.”

“It starts somewhere. It starts in the home. I know what a mass shooter can look like.”

First time I saw him, I was 13. The sun wasn’t even up yet and I was wearing my track uniform. I poured myself a bowl of Peanut Butter Captain Crunch, turned and there he was, sitting at the round pale-blue Formica table reading the newspaper and drinking a cup of coffee.

“He was a large man. Wavy hair and beard intertwined with strands of black and white. Blue-blue eyes. A department store Santa. He smiled at me. Introduced himself. I was late for practice. So I told him to wash his dishes before he left.”

“She’d been looking for a man for a while. She was a mother with three little girls. She did not have a job. That was a lot to take on for anyone. Her second marriage had ended a year earlier. He started sleeping in her bedroom every night after they met. A few weeks later, I woke up to find them both gone. It was Christmas Eve morning. She’d left a note. They had gone to Vegas, a four-hour drive. Watch your two younger sisters, please. They’d be back that night.”

“According to Everytown for Gun Safety, the majority of all mass shooters in the United States killed an intimate partner or family member during the massacre or had a history of domestic violence.”

Somebody out there, right now, knows the next big mass shooter. Somebody out there is getting blamed, screamed at, beaten up.

Read how you can help. Take a stand against violence. Be that someone who speaks up.

Somebody out there wants to believe that he’s sorry, that he’s changed and that love means giving him a second chance. Even if that second chance means giving him another bullet because he missed the first time.”

Our appreciation to Domestic Shelters for this invaluable information and encouragement.

Read Flirting with death for one woman’s story.

Posted in Assault survivors, Courage, Mental Health, Murdered women, Personal Safety, Violence prevention | Tagged , , , , | 2 Comments

Narcissist, Psychopath or Sociopath. Are you living with one, two, or all three? None? Learn to identify these three traits.

“When describing an abusive partner, the terms narcissist, psychopath and sociopath often get thrown around. But what do they really denote?”

Narcissist

A narcissist lacks empathy, is grandiose, entitled, constantly seeks validation and is arrogant. “When they do a bad thing, they feel a fair amount of guilt and shame,” says Durvsula. Ramani Durvsula, Ph.D., psychologist and author of Should I Stay or Should I Go? Surviving a Relationship With a Narcissist, in a recent interview on the topic. 

A narcissist lacks empathy, is grandiose, entitled, constantly seeks validation and is arrogant. “When they do a bad thing, they feel a fair amount of guilt and shame,” says Durvsula.

Psychopath

A psychopath has no guilt, no shame and no remorse. “They do bad things and they don’t care. They’re great serial killers or hired assassins,” says Durvsula. 

PET scans of the brains of psychopaths show the section that serves empathy “doesn’t light up for them,” says Durvsula. In other words, when they think of people in pain, they are unable to process it, and make decisions related to it. 

Sociopath

A sociopath shares all the same traits as a psychopath, but the difference between them and psychopaths, says Durvsula, is that a psychopath is born—their disorder may be genetic—and a sociopath is made. Something bad has happened to this person to make them this way, explains Durvsula, “like the kid who grows up in a really rough neighborhood who learns to be a bully to get by.”

Our appreciation to Dr. Durvsula and Domestic Shelters for this invaluable education. Please read the entire differentiation.

Read the RCMP’s Relationship Red Flags.

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Emma Watson et al on strong women.


“I think women are scared of feeling powerful and strong and brave sometimes. There’s nothing wrong with being afraid. It’s not the absence of fear, it’s overcoming it and sometimes you just have to blast through and have faith.” Emma Watson

“Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.”
Charlotte Whitton (March 8, 1896 – January 25, 1975) Feminist and mayor of Ottawa.

 “Am I worth the effort to learn to protect myself?”  “Can I be aggressive and attack my attacker?”  If the answer to these queries is “Yes”, then you have accomplished a great deal. 

Assailants look for “Vics”, those of us who walk as though preoccupied, often reading our phone or listening to it with ear buds. 

Carry yourself erect, shoulders back, head up and look at people you pass.  Eye contact or lack of it tells an assailant you want to avoid confrontation and he’ll pick up on that.  You don’t need to lock onto his face or stare. Look, catch his eye, then look up or off to the side, not down (a passive message) is all that is necessary to get the message across that you’re aware of his presence and that you’re in charge. 

If a stranger stops you in the street and asks directions, ignore them and quickly move on.  This simple and charitable act is often a ruse for assailants. If someone pulls up in a car while you are walking and asks directions, give them if you wish, but be aware of anyone approaching from behind who could shove you toward the car and don’t approach the car. Better yet, tell them you are new and not familiar with the area.

These preventive measures are easy and simple to adopt.  You’ll become more aware and increase your appreciation of your environment. Carry bear spray, it is readily available in sporting goods and hardware stores. It comes in small, easily carried containers. Keep it in your pocket, not your handbag.

If you are confronted by someone who is obviously bent on causing you harm, you’ve already decided you’ll take aggressive action.  You will feel an adrenaline rush which is normal. Don’t dismiss this feeling but use it in the form of anger that this person would have the audacity to do you harm.  As he approaches, turn your body slightly to affect a left foot forward and rear foot slightly behind and your weight balanced.  You have controlled anger. You are emitting an aura that can’t says, I can not be intimidated. Remember, your primary concern must be your mind set…that you can and will do whatever is necessary to prevent being a victim.

Put both of your hands up, palms facing outwards and yell, “Stop!” If he continues toward you, spray him directly in the eyes then strike those eyes and throat with your fist, knuckles extended then using your right leg, knee him in the groin continually until he is down.

The key to regaining control of your life and alleviating the Fear is to decide that you are worth every effort to be in command and that you’ll do whatever is necessary to anyone who attempts to do you physical harm.

Watch the video of Vancouver, BC Police Chief Palmer discussing personal safety and the suggestions of this post.


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What is domestic violence?

We read a great deal about domestic violence here and of the numerous Resources available. But what is domestic violence exactly and how does a woman, unaware she is being abused, identify her situation?

Here is a short video presentation from Domestic Shelters which may help define abusive behavior. Please consider sharing this valuable tool that others might understand and take action, offer support.

Photo credit to Tamara Bellis
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How Social Stigma Silences Domestic Violence Victims

A friend was embarrassed to tell friends and family she was being abused until she had let it go so far as to consider suicide.

Thankfully we chatted and she found the courage to leave. The friends and family she had counted on to be there for her recovery, were not. They blamed her for overreacting and destroying a marriage and family.

She wanted out so badly, she signed everything she worked for the last 20 years to her abuser rather than seeking legal counsel.

“Many domestic violence victims suffer in silence. Enduring a steady pattern of abuse and humiliation at home, they bravely attempt to present a solid exterior in public. Sometimes they pull it off; usually, they do not. We notice the signs. Whether physical or emotional, red flags are flying.

“Many victims of domestic abuse remain under the radar because they are ashamed that they have chosen to remain in a relationship with an abusive partner. Both culturally and socially, victims are sensitive to the judgment they fear from others, whether they are suffering physical abuse, emotional abuse or both. Reporting the perpetrator´s behavior would involve revealing embarrassing and humiliating details they would rather never discuss—especially if they have been enduring this treatment for years. “

“Victims also stay in relationships with abusive partners for fear of how they will be treated by others who learn about the abuse. This fear stems from the way victims are often treated differently, both personally and professionally, after details of their victimization come to light.”  

Our appreciation to Domesticshelters.com and writer Wendy Patrick Read the full article by clicking on the link.

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Gaslighting. What is it? How to avoid being used.

What is gaslighting?

Gaslighting. This term comes from the 1938 stage play Gas Light (and later, the 1940 movie, and later remakes), in which a husband tried to drive his wife crazy by dimming the gas-powered lights in their home. When his wife points out the change in light, he denies that the light changed at all. “

An Example of Gaslighting in a Relationship Looks Like This:

  • “Why are you making things up?!”
  • “You are so jealous!”
  • “Are you sure? You tend to have a bad memory.”
  • “It’s all in your head.

Gaslighting explained by Mariah Nichols.

“I’m definitely against, is pressuring people to forgive and shaming them if they don’t.”  Sophia King

“Women that don’t forgive, are assumed to be “scorned”, “bitter and twisted”. The stereotypes that surround “unforgiving” women, are used to gaslight them. “

Men often use the status of an unforgiving woman, to avoid accountability for their actions by disregarding whatever women accuse them of, by saying they’re “just bitter”. What he did was wrong but she’s worse for not being the better person and forgiving him.”

“Instead of telling someone they should forgive, tell the perpetrator not to do unforgivable things.” 

Our appreciation to DomesticShelters.com and Sophia King.

Posted in Gaslighting | Leave a comment

Living alone versus living with a guy.

“Live alone for awhile or forever. There are plenty of years ahead of you where you’ll be sharing space with others. Take time to enjoy having a space that is all yours.”

“If you had the chance the chance to go back in time and spend it alone, would you?”

“Gravitate to those who share genuine interests with you. Volunteer with any group which matches your interest; the SPCA, Hospice, Wellness, Reading to elementary children, seniors. Every community has a need for volunteers.

Live alone for a while. Many women jump at the chance to have a roommate or worse, live with a man. These women have zero transition from living with parents to spreading their wings. To do things without thinking of anyone but themselves.

“It’s Worth The Read. Women In Their 40’s+ Give Advice To Their 20-Something Selves”

Live alone and avoid these problems:

Sociopaths. Are you living with one? Are you in danger? Key? They blame others for their failures.

“If you had the chance to go back in time and live alone, would you take it?” View eighteen images of the joy of living alone by fempositive.com

Our appreciation to Fempositive for these great images.

Posted in Mental Health, Women's Rights | 2 Comments

Divorce. Solutions to reduce the stress of gaining your freedom.

“Try to remember that this stressful conflict is not going to last forever and that you are in the home stretch to achieving your freedom and a path to happiness, something that would not have been possible if you had chosen to stay in this toxic relationship.”

Here is how.

1. Limit or eliminate contact with the abuser. If you must communicate with him or her about children, send a brief text. If he or she sends you lengthy emails, phone message, or texts, choose not to respond. They are trying to tear you down and wear you down. Don’t take the bait. You are not obligated to allow a toxic person to take up any of your precious time. Conserve that time for what you need to do to take care of yourself and get the divorce. Remember that they are dangerous and keep healthy boundaries.

2. Do not allow them to try to negotiate the terms of the divorce directly with you to save money or for any other reason. They will use that to make unreasonable demands and to wear you down. They won’t keep any promises made anyway. Don’t fall for it. Tell him or her to have their attorney contact your attorney to discuss all aspects of the settlement.  Be realistic about what you can expect to receive in the divorce and then fight for it. Get your attorney the documents and evidence he or she needs promptly. Eliminate unnecessary delays to reduce your stress and save expenses.

3. If you aren’t seeing a therapist already, go see one now. Many survivors can develop eating disorders, chronic anxiety, depression and PTSD. You will need to work on self-esteem issues, as an abuser’s toxic behavior can erode your sense of self-worth over a long period of time. Please see my article, “Therapy For Stress and Healing.

4. Take time for yourself. Exercise for at least 30 minutes, three to four days a week. Go for a walk outdoors for the sunshine and fresh air.  Exercise helps to reduce stress by releasing chemicals that increase our sense of well-being. This regimen will help you to be alert and give you the stamina you need. It will also improve your memory and mood.

5. Clear your mind. You will improve your ability to handle things if your mind is clear, you have enough energy and you are well rested. Get enough sleep, pay close attention to your diet and drink plenty of water. These simple things are very important.

Read the rest of the advice/suggestions from Domestic Shelters to which we extend our appreciation for this guidance.



You’ve dumped your abuser, now what? Read this sage advice from women who have been there, done that and thrived.

Posted in Divorce, Domestic Abuse, Women's Rights | Leave a comment

“To Mike from Aggie”

Read this heart warming story of how Mike Holmes rescued these women who recently fled from a violent environment.

“A woman reached out to Mike Holmes directly seeking help for her daughter-in-law whose home repairs began piling up after being faced with a broken marriage and having to raise two children on her own. Now, Mike is using the experience to give valuable advice about sump pump maintenance, explain how to identify asbestos and provide intimate details about his own difficult upbringing.”

Aggie and her daughter-in-law escaped a violent relationship with the children. They had to leave quickly and found the only place available. The house needed repairs but with working six day a week and long hours she didn’t have the energy or will after fighting to escape to do the repairs.

Aggie wrote Mike directly and the episode details Mike Jr. and the crew renovated the kitchen and living room, redesigned the backyard and built a beautiful deck with metal railing and solved several other issues in the process.

Thanks to DIY and Mike Holmes for the photo

#WhyIStayed and #WhyILeft, in which survivors shared their stories of why they remained in abusive relationships and why they eventually got out. Yet misconceptions persist; that abuse is a private matter, that women who stay with abusive partners are simply weak-willed, that women are just as abusive as men. Cosmopolitan.com talked to the experts to clear up some of the most stubborn, and most dangerous, myths about intimate partner violence.

Read the 14 misconceptions about domestic abuse.

“Healing will take time and patience. Assessing what went wrong in your abusive relationship can consume you. Don’t do it. Shit happens. We make mistakes and end up with the wrong person.

Changing locations, getting a new job and moving on works. Not immediately, but it does according to many women who have, unfortunately, been in your shoes.”

You turfed your abuser. Now what? Read this advice.

Battered Woman Syndrome

“Why doesn’t she just leave?” is often spoken about women who stay in an abusive relationship.

Easier said than done. I have helped women exit such conditions and in every case the men were vicious and evil human beings. They knew only one thing and it wasn’t court orders or police presence. Women tried to flee only to be tracked down and assaulted again.”

Read, Canada’s Supreme Court recognizes, “Battered Woman Syndrome.”

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Survivor’s story.

Kate—not her real name—had her story splashed across newspapers, and the person who abused her is dead, but she still prefers to use a pseudonym here. There is always some level of anonymity in survivors—despite her desire to speak out, tell her story and help others, Kate is still wary of judgment and scrutiny. It is a projection, perhaps, of the way she still sometimes blames herself.

Be these women. Happy

“I always had gut feelings that something wasn’t right in our relationship but I didn’t listen,” she says. Maybe, she reflects, if she didn’t go back to their house that evening when he was there, none of this would have happened.

“He wasn’t abusive before that night,” she says. 

The night he shot her seven times. 

“Well, mentally, yes. But not physically.”

‘It Felt Like It Went Bad Fast’

Kate met him five years ago when she was 34. It had been six months since her divorce was finalized, ending a 15-year marriage. Kate was ready to meet someone new.

“I thought, ‘Oh, it’ll be fun to try online dating,’” she remembers.

She says he was nice at first, but red flags popped up almost immediately, things that she pushed aside, hoping she could help him through. He had just gotten out of a relationship with a woman who was a heroin addict. The woman had left him with the couple’s two young children, a 2-year-old daughter and a 5-year-old son. Kate says he didn’t seem all that attached to his children, or affectionate, something that struck her as troublesome.

Read the rest of Kate’s story

Our appreciation to Domestic Shelters for this valuable information.

“As it stands, women are 16 times more likely to be killed with guns in the U.S. than in other developed countries, and more than half of all women killed with guns are murdered by intimate partners or family members.” Domestic Shelters

Know your rights and be aware of your state’s statutes. If a Canadian woman files a complaint against her partner or anyone making threats, police will arrive immediately and seize all firearms of the threatener.

“Standard protection orders do not always require the perpetrator to relinquish firearms. According to Sam Levy, counsel for Everytown, 30 states plus the District of Columbia prohibit firearm possession by people subject to domestic violence restraining orders (DVROs), though only 19 states and D.C. require abusers to turn in any guns in their possession.” Domestic Shelters

Read the rest of this survivor’s story at the link below.

“He sat on my chest with his knees on my arms and beat my face with his fists.”

Posted in Domestic Abuse, Women's Rights | Tagged , | 1 Comment

Domestic abuse. The Drip affect.

“It’s such a drip effect, each event gets a bit worse and a bit worse,” Curtis says, speaking softly from her home in Essex, southeast England. “And then someone has control over you.”

” But she says the longer she spent with him, and particularly after they married in 2016, four years after meeting, the more his behavior became intimidating. He made comments about what she ate. He picked fights when she went out with her friends. He threw her things around their house. He berated her while out shopping. One night, she says, he even threatened to kill her. “

The following are comments from a survivor:

“Standard protection orders do not always require the perpetrator to relinquish firearms. According to Sam Levy, counsel for Everytown, 30 states plus the District of Columbia prohibit firearm possession by people subject to domestic violence restraining orders (DVROs), though only 19 states and D.C. require abusers to turn in any guns in their possession.” Domestic Shelters

Several weeks after the Title statement, my student entered the gym jumping up and down like she just won a title fight. She explained, “I got the son-of-a-bitch! I got him. He will never control me again. I was in the grocery store last night and seeing me, he strutted up, all arrogant like he was. I took my stance and I knew, man, I knew he could sense the difference in me. I was ready to kick his ass and he could detect it.

As he approached, I said nothing. I maintained my stance and watched him walk by. As he did, he said, “I can shop here too you know. You don’t own this place.”

I frkin loved it. Now, lets get on with the training ladies.”

This how you win and get your life back.

“Curtis began taking notes about the abuse, saving text messages, phone records and even filming her husband’s outbursts. She left him last June, and in October, he was sentenced to two years in prison after pleading guilty to a charge of coercive control. Her case marks an early victory for England and Wales’ legislation.”

Canada has “Battered woman syndrome”. What is there in your country to protect women?

Nearly four years after the law came into force, coercive control is back in British headlines because of the case of Sally Challen. Challen, now 65, beat her husband to death with a hammer and was convicted of murder in 2011, spending the past eight years in prison. But on June 7 she walked free. Judges quashed the conviction on the grounds that Challen was suffering a psychological “adjustment disorder,” which the defense argued was the result of decades of coercive control by her husband. The prosecution accepted Challen’s new plea to the lesser charge of manslaughter, meaning she would be immediately released because she has already served more than the average manslaughter sentence.”

Why These Nations Took the Lead in Criminalizing Controlling Behavior in Relationships 

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“LGBTQ and Domestic Violence Leading facts and statistics on the LBGTQ population and domestic violence.”

Our appreciation to Domestic Shelters for their invaluable information.

44% of percent of lesbian women and 61% of bisexual women – compared to 35% of heterosexual women – experienced rape, physical violence, and/or stalking by an intimate partner in their lifetime.

The facts about LGBTQ partner abuse/domestic violence are often hidden by numerous myths and misconceptions. Common myths and misconceptions include the belief that women are not violent, that men are not commonly victims, that LGBTQ domestic violence is mutual, and that there are no significant differences between heterosexual domestic violence and same-gender domestic violence. However, people who are lesbian, gay and bisexual have an equal or higher prevalence of experiencing intimate partner violence, sexual violence and stalking as compared to heterosexuals.

Read the valuable information to gain a perspective on the violence in relationships, then explore this Blog for advice on how to leave and what to do next.

https://www.domesticshelters.org/resources/statistics/lgbtq-and-domestic-violence?fbclid=IwAR2OXhdIWm_0KaSQTN2isZ50FPLOE44WU-sxVVr2m54Ng7LqQdkl1ozR6pQ

Posted in Domestic Abuse, Sexual assault survivors | Tagged , | 1 Comment

Violent Relationships-The Red Flags. Advice from the RCMP

Jealousy

They show resentment or anger over their partner’s friendships with others. They try to find out and control who their partner hangs out with.

Cyber stalking

They call or text excessively or stalk on social media. They don’t stop until the person responds.

Controlling

They control different aspects of their partner’s life such as when and where they can go out.

Street stalking

They follow their partner in public, or have them followed by someone else. They watch over them all the time, especially when out with other friends.

Humiliation

They frequently humiliate their partner or make them feel unworthy. They criticize and belittle their partner or what’s important to them.

Threatening suicide or violence

They threaten to hurt their partner or that person’s friends. They threaten or try to commit suicide if their partner leaves them.

Our appreciation to the RCMP and writer Patricia Vasylchuk for this valuable information.

http://www.rcmp-grc.gc.ca/en/gazette/violent-relationships-the-red-flags?fb

Posted in Domestic Abuse, Women's Rights | Tagged , , | 1 Comment

“14 Misconceptions About Domestic Violence”

After a video surfaced of football player Ray Rice punching out his then-fiancée Janay in an elevator, domestic violence has been at the forefront of the national conversation.

When the couple married, many asked, “Why would she stay with him?” Twitter answered back with #WhyIStayed and #WhyILeft, in which survivors shared their stories of why they remained in abusive relationships and why they eventually got out.

Yet misconceptions persist — that abuse is a private matter, that women who stay with abusive partners are simply weak-willed, that women are just as abusive as men. Cosmopolitan.com talked to the experts to clear up some of the most stubborn, and most dangerous, myths about intimate partner violence.

1. Domestic violence is unusual.

One in four women, and 1 in 7 men, will experience relationship violence in their lives. From 2003–2012, domestic violence accounted for nearly a quarter of all violent victimizations.

“Many people think domestic violence is uncommon and it hardly ever exists anymore,” Katie Ray-Jones, president of the National Domestic Violence Hotline (NDVH) and the National Dating Abuse Helpline (NDAH), told Cosmopolitan.com. And even the stats we have are just for physical violence, and don’t take verbal and emotional abuse into account. “One woman told me, ‘I can still hear his voice in my head. Even though I’ve been out of the relationship for three years, I feel like I’m still sitting there,'” Ray-Jones says. “It really has long-term impacts on a woman, and it takes a really long time to heal from.”

While still common, incidences of domestic violence, along with other crimes, have decreased significantly since the mid-’90s. There’s less social acceptance of it; women are more economically independent and mobile and therefore better able to leave; and there are more services for survivors, including Ray-Jones’s hotline, which you can call at 1-800-799-7233 or find online (they also do live chats). That’s been good for both women and men: Fewer women are victims than in previous decades, and fewer abusive men are killed by their wives — now, the wives can leave, instead of thinking murder is the only way out.

https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/domestic-violence-op-ed-column/14-misconceptions-about-domestic-violence#.WnTTtJM-eAw

Our appreciation to Domestic Violence for sharing his vital information.

Please share that we may all learn and remove violence from our society.

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Sexual harasser transferred to internal affairs. LAPD

Here is how sexual harassment begins, from a teenager’s perspective.

http://www.cbc.ca/player/play/677990467724/

Misogyny examples abound but this one is so pervasive, it needs sharing.

LAPD supervisor who harassed a female officer is now assigned to internal affairs, the very department which was supposed to intercede of the woman’s behalf.

“The supervisor, meanwhile, was transferred to the internal affairs group, the division that investigates officer misconduct. He remains with the department.”

She has retired.

https://www.latimes.com/local/lanow/la-me-doghandler-lawsuit-20190521-story.html?fbclid=IwAR04KN1IOutD3rfn8SZ5z7w_mJbS2OXThW9nNBJSw6pledR2f-BfwCD2LxU

The officers who stood up for their colleague took the department to court and won.

” A jury has awarded Zibli and Dooros each more than $4 million for the reprisals they faced, a massive verdict in a retaliation case that comes on top of a $1.6-million settlement for the female officer who was harassed. Jurors deliberated for only about half a day before awarding Zibli $4.4 million and Dooros $4.2 million.”

Canada’s RCMP are being sued for exactly the same contemptible behavior with 3,000 law-suits generated by the previous commissioner, Bob Paulson. The Force and country are hoping, are expecting the new commissioner, a woman, Brenda Lucki will turn the Force back to its original honorable social structure. Although Brenda Butterworth-Carr brought changes to British Columbia’s “E” Division, she has since retired to pursue policing issues at the provincial government level.

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Voter intimidation & why it matters

Canadian provincial elections have seen the approval of conservative governments with anti-abortion groups having supported a number of right wing candidates.

Ignoring voter intimidation makes it easier for social progress to be reversed.

“You may have noticed more anti-abortion protesters with their infamous graphic signs on Canadian streets recently. You may also have noticed that a vote on the issue at a recent conservative convention was… a lot closer than most people thought it would be.” “https://www.citynews1130.com/2018/09/12/big-story-canada-abortion/

Shonda Rhimes’ “For the People”.

This episode deals with voter intimidation. America saw much of this in the 50’s n 60’s with voters preventing from registering.

Are Americans seeing social regression?

Canada has a federal election in a few months which is expected to be influenced by Russia.

VOTER INTIMIDATION

OTTAWA — Malign foreign actors will likely try to meddle in the Canadian federal election in October, Foreign Affairs Minister Chrystia Freeland warned Friday, and Prime Minister Justin Trudeau pointed the finger at Russia as the most likely culprit. https://nationalpost.com/news/politics/freeland-says-foreign-election-meddling-in-october-federal-vote-is-likely

“We have seen over the past number of years an increase in the interference or the implication of foreign actors in democratic processes. We saw very clearly that countries like Russia are behind a lot of the divisive campaigns, a lot of the divisive social media,” the prime minister said.

WAS THE TRUMP ELECTION COMPROMISED?

Washington County was one of two counties successfully hacked by Russians seeking voter information files. The FBI and the Department of Homeland Security in the past week have briefed Gov. Ron DeSantis and Florida’s congressional delegation about the attack, but federal authorities have asked that the names of the two counties be kept confidential. https://www.politico.com/states/florida/story/2019/05/16/panhandle-county-that-backed-trump-among-russian-hacking-victims-1021302

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Sexual harassment at work, a teen’s perspective.

Sexual Harassment in the workplace

“Blue Bloods” Nicky experiences sexual harassment in the workplace for the first time. In this clip, Nicky discusses the pros and cons of her last name. Choosing Reagan will give her protection while Boyle will provide her with a “Clean Slat” as Nicky puts it.

How to deal with sexual harassment

“Verbal abuse was the most common form of harassment for both men and women with 13 per cent of women reporting they’d experienced abuse in the preceding year.”

This is why many hospitals and clinics have conspicuous signs reading, “Violence and abusive language will not be tolerated”.

Staff need to be trained in delivering acceptable dialog to de-escalate but also to have an emergency button to call security.

I taught psychiatric nurses defensive tactics which are usable against either verbally or physically aggressive patients. Their union had requested the training when repeated appeals for improved security were ignored by hospital management.

“Sexual harassment was most likely to affect women, with four per cent saying they had experienced unwanted sexual attention in the workplace, compared to fewer than one per cent of men.”

Many men often respond to the above statistics with, “Ya, I should be so lucky”. A junior high response to an increasing problem which women have dealt with for years.

http://www.cbc.ca/player/play/677990467724/

Teenager speaks to her experiences of being objectified.

https://www.jonathanmccormick.com/19-of-women-surveyed-report-workplace-harassment/
Posted in Assault survivors, Sexual assault survivors, Sexual Assault/Harassment, Women's Rights, Work place safety | Tagged , , | 1 Comment

Sexual assailant says he will never feel remorse for his victims.

Bill Cosby, “America’s beloved father figure” speaks his truth and that of far too many criminals of his ilk.

“He said, “my political beliefs, my actions of trying to humanize all races, genders and religions landed me in this place surrounded by barb wire fencing, a room made of steel and iron.”

His victim(s) waited 14 years for his incarceration.
“Cosby, 81, received his sentence after being found guilty of having drugged and sexually assaulted Toronto woman Andrea Constand in 2004.”

Charles Mason
“Look down at me and you see a fool; look up at me and you see a god; look straight at me and you see yourself.”

“I am only what you made me. I am only a reflection of you.”

Constand had said that Cosby invited her to his house in 2004, at a time when she was working as operations manager for the women’s basketball program at Temple University.

There, she said, he drugged and assaulted her.

She was just one of as many as 60 women who alleged that Cosby had drugged and violated them over the course of 50 years.

Neither Cosby’s wife nor his children have visited him in prison, and they’re not expected to, Wyatt said earlier this month.

Thanks to Global News for the video and coverage.

Posted in Assault survivors, Date Rape, Domestic Abuse, Hollywood, overcoming it and finding courage, Personal Safety, Rape Culture, Sexual assault survivors | Tagged , , , , , | 1 Comment