Category Archives: Domestic Abuse
Might a friend or relative be in danger living with an abuser during these stressful times coping with the coronavirus?
This might be the time to rally her friends to come to her aid, provide her shelter and safety when government help is unavailable.
Domestic Shelters is available 24/7 to offer assistance in Canada and the United States.
The Danger of Being Quarantined with an Abuser
“It seems most everything is closing down because of the Coronavirus, aka COVID-19, now considered a global pandemic. Schools, restaurants and other retail and service industries are temporarily suspending business to help curb the spread following the CDC’s recommendation of social distancing, advising any events with over 50 people be cancelled for the next eight weeks. Individuals are urged to stay at home as much as possible—work from home, order-in groceries, cancel nonessential doctor’s appointments and elective surgeries—basically, self-quarantine.
Domestic Violence Assessment Tools
The Danger Assessment
The free Danger Assessment helps determine the level of danger an abused person has of being killed by an intimate partner. There are two parts to the tool: 1) a calendar and 2) a 20-item scoring instrument. The calendar helps to assess severity and frequency of abuse, and is helps raise the consciousness of the victim and reduce the denial and minimization of the abuse. The 20-item scoring instrument uses a weighted system to score yes/no responses to risk factors associated with intimate partner homicide. It is available in multiple languages and offers a separate assessment tool (the “DA-1) for immigrant women.
Are you in danger?
“She says he was nice, at first, but red flags popped up almost immediately, things that she pushed aside, hoping she could help him through. He had just gotten out of a relationship with a woman who was a heroin addict. She had left him with their two young children, a 2-year-old daughter and a 5-year-old son. Kate says he didn’t seem all that attached to his children, or affectionate, something that struck her as troublesome.”
“When you’re in love with someone, you will write off just about any red flag because it doesn’t seem possible that someone you love so much could want to hurt you. It’s not conceivable. I was really naïve. I was 22 when I met him.
I’ve been in two emotionally abusive relationships since then [her divorce] and I was just as slow on the uptake on the emotional abuse as I was the physical abuse. Anyone can be vulnerable at any stage in your life even if you’ve had a lot of experience. I know many abuse victims who refuse to get into relationships again. It’s a high price to pay but I understand it. They know when they’re in love they become so blind they can’t see the warning signs.”
These women share their stories. Please share your experience at the bottom of the post so others know of the progress that can be made through their journey.
“Sorry!” “Sorry!” “Sorry!” Women, enough. Stop saying, “Sorry!” https://www.jonathanmccormick.com/sorry-sorry-sorry-women-enough-stop-saying-sorry/ “But repetitive, nearly constant apologies for every little thing—or, what Psychologist Paige Carambio, PsyD calls, “apologizing for existing”—can actually be an after-effect of trauma, a self-preservation technique survivors may think they still need to utilize in order to protect themselves.”
Below, 10 podcasts that survivors may find helpful, intriguing or empowering. Of course, with all survivor-related narratives, make sure to practice self-care before and during listening, and prepare for possible triggers that may be emotionally challenging. It may help to speak with someone at a domestic violence hotline about how you’re feeling after you listen.
“Years worth of evidence suggests perpetrators of domestic violence exhibit patterns that make it possible to predict when someone is in harm’s way. Being aware of warning signs, experts said, could help prevent tragedies such as the one that unfolded in Ajax, Ont., earlier this week.”
“… community members rather than justice or violence-prevention workers are often best positioned to take meaningful, potentially life-saving action.”
Do not be apprehensive to speak with police, thinking they will consider you an interloper. They will not. They would rather be proactive, investigate and find everyone safe than be reactive and find injuries or death.
The problem is always whether she will believe you. We have all heard comments by the “Other Woman” putting down the former female saying he is such a wonderful guy, it had to be all her fault.
After escaping abuse, many survivors may find themselves questioning what obligation they have, if any, to warn potential future partners of the ex they just left. Survivors may feel guilty if they never reported or pressed charges for the abuse, for not leaving a trail of red flag breadcrumbs for new partners to see.
“As much as I would like to be able to warn other women, many abusers are gaslighters. They invalidate anything we might say by telling new girlfriends that their ex is a crazed stalker,” says survivor Amy*, who shared the heartbreaking story with us in April of giving up her son in order to keep him safe from an abuser. “
“The first time Carie Charlesworth’s husband abused her was six years and four children into their marriage. It was 2006, Carie’s birthday. The California mom had gone to a concert with her sister to celebrate and, on her way home, texted her husband Martin to let him know she was stuck in traffic. By the time she stopped by her parents’ house to pick up the couple’s 1-year-old daughters, it was almost 1 a.m.
“When I got home, all my clothes were on the front lawn,” says Carie. Her husband would tell her later that he knew she was lying. She hadn’t been at the concert or stuck in traffic. She had been talking to other men, probably with the intent of cheating on him. It’s something he had accused her of many times before, even though she says she never gave him any reason to think she was unfaithful.
That night, his anger boiled over. Before she could even get out of the car, Martin was by her window. He grabbed her keys so she couldn’t drive away before he started striking her repeatedly in the face while she sat in the car. Their daughters were sleeping in the backseat. One of his blows left a deep gash near Carie’s eye and it was only when Martin saw blood pouring down his wife’s face did he finally snap out of his rage.”
“The famous musician donated half a million dollars from his charity Janie’s Fund to help the center open its doors.
With the $500,000 that Tyler, 70, donated, the Youth Villages organization was able to renovate a Memphis-area home for the cause. Youth Villages is a national foundation that assists children and helps them cope with mental, behavioral, and emotional problems.”
What is Domestic Violence?
We make finding the right shelter and information about domestic violence easier. Instead of searching the Internet, it is all right here. We’ve painstakingly verified information on shelters in LA to shelters in NY, and every domestic violence program in between. If you or a friend is suffering from physical abuse, emotional abuse, psychological abuse or verbal abuse, this free service can help. Select domestic violence programs based on location, service and language needs. Find 24-hour hotlines in your area, service listings, and helpful articles on domestic violence statistics, signs and cycles of abuse, housing services, emergency services, legal and financial services, support groups for women, children and families, and more.
Those who have never experienced the trauma of physical and/or mental manipulation and violence may not be able to grasp the magnitude.
Here is a story of a woman who escapes only to find her abuser tracks her down to kill.
Viewing the film and perusing the attached link explaining domestic abuse may help readers understand and reach out to those in need.
We read a great deal about domestic violence here and of the numerous Resources available. But what is domestic violence exactly and how does a woman, unaware she is being abused, identify her situation?